Water your thoughts? My opinions on water in various contexts.

SECTION 0. MY FIRST DISPUTE WITH THE TRANSPORTATION SECURITY ADMINISTRATION

In 2006, the TSA banned liquids. Being a clever, pedantic, and thirsty child, I arrived to the airport with a bottle of ice.

“You can’t bring that through security,” the agent explained.

I asked why.

She said, “It’s a liquid.” With a shit-eating grin, I replied, “But it’s ice.”

“I know,” she answered. “Ice is a liquid.”

SECTION 1: THE MOUTH

• Saliva is under-appreciated.
• Drool is disgusting.
• Spit should be avoided at all costs.
• The saliva of a lover requires further research, currently accepting applications.

SECTION 2: COMMON APPLICATIONS OF WATER

• The water that makes up 80% of my body: Great.
• 80% of your body: Passable.
• 80% of Donald Trump’s body: No comment.

 

• Water-based lube: good.
• Tears: Bad, unless they’re being used as water-based lube.

 

• Water is great for fish, camels, and rainforests, necessary for farmers, and hit-and-miss with New Orleans.

 

• Showers are good, baths are great, and hot tubs are excellent.
  • The four differences between a bath and a hot tub are friends, chlorine, jets, and clothing. Realization: Friends and jets must be fabulous, because chlorine is awful and clothing is the worst.

SECTION 3: LOCATIONS WHERE ONE MIGHT FIND WATER

• Cup: good.
• Bottle: fine.
• Pool: excellent.
• Syringe: concerning.
• Computer: oh no.
• Bed: your fault.
• My van: bad rust.
• The statue of liberty: somehow delightful rust.

SECTION 4: LINGUISTIC ANALYSIS

• SUBSECTION 1: FICTIONAL ETYMOLOGY
  • “Water” derives from the Latin “Wah-tah-ré,” meaning gift of the gods.
• SUBSECTION 2: SYLLABLES
  • Wat: the Thai word for temple
  • Er: the sound often heard during the search for a hard-to-find word.
• SUBSECTION 3: CURIOUS INSIGHT
  • Food, air, sun, earth, touch, love, mom, dad. Why is the word “water” two syllables when all other life necessities can be described in one?
• SUBSECTION 4: WORDPLAY
  • Passable:
    • Water you doing? Water you talking about? Water you looking at?
  • Desirable:
    • Water you want to drink?
  • Too far:
    • Water you want her, the waiter, to wither while we a-waiter to order?

SECTION 5: TRAITS

• Warm water: good for bathing.
• Cold water: good for drinking and borscht. Otherwise to be avoided.
• Hot water: Excellent for cooking.
  • Also means “trouble,” as in the phrase, “While exchanging saliva, Carol and I overheard the deafening footfalls of Principal Jerickson’s rotund personage and knew we were in hot water.”

SECTION 6: ENDING

• Some say the world will end in fire, others in ice. I say the world already ended in a flood… or at least that’s what the Salt Lake City billboards taught me.

 

Special thanks to Brine Waves, a Salt Lake City writing group that invited me to their gathering this week, themed “water.”

Did you like this piece? Hate it? Throw a comment below so I can know what to write in the future.