My dog peed on my bed. Twice. Once was after our first vet visit. I didn’t immediately take her to pee. That’s obviously stressful for a dog. I take the blame. The second was tonight, after I returned from a therapy appointment. She waited to pee until I returned. Good doggy. I drove to Walgreens to buy nailclippers, before finding us a parking spot and carrying her to my bed. That’s when she peed.
Did she whimper at me just after I parked? Did she struggle when I carried her to the bed? Was she indicating her pee-ful-ness? In short, is it my fault?
It must be. Or, at least, my responsibility. When did she last pee? Around 7pm. It’s now 11. Is that too long? How long between pees? How does dog pee work? Halp me google: HOW WORK DOG PEE?
We haven’t established pee-based communication. I don’t have a solid read on her piddle-timing. I lack a feel for her whimpers.
Experts say to avoid punishing dogs. Reward desirable behaviors; punishments don’t help. I shall implement this. It’s nice to know the ethics and psychology align.
I would more effectively learn to take her outside if she rewarded me when I succeeded–via a treat of some kind, say–instead of punishing me–via bed pees–when I don’t.
(Post-script addendum: It’s now nearly 1am. I’m so glad to have a cuddlebuddy. All is forgiven. We’ll do better next time.)
Tonight I begin 30 days as a carnivore. I told a bunch of friends today. Before each conversation, I requested no comments or concerns. Chelsea is excited for me. Jackson wants me to blog about it. Michael believes:
- I’m unlikely to cause significant harm
- I should take a multivitamin and get my cholesterol checked.
Classic Michael, prioritizing my health over my requests.
At Whole Foods, I purchased $38.79 of meat:
1.12lbs Pork Belly
1.08lbs Ground Beef
1.24lbs Ribeye Steak
0.37 lbs Pork Chops
Tonight, at 1am, I complete a three-day fast. Then, for at least 30 days, I shall eat:
Salt & pepper
If I want to “cheat”, I shall expand to:
My final rung of falling further:
Huh, these are all the items I tend toward anyway…
Wish me luck.
Want to hear about a specific aspect of this experiment? Send me a message or tack on a comment. It helps me know how to tailor my writing.
Stop at a grocery store en route to the gym.
Find the burrata cheese.
Consider buying two burratas.
Notice there’s a sale.Buy three, and tack on a package of salami for good measure.
When opening the burrata, be careful not to spill any of the salt water. (This will be important later.)
Open the package of salami.
Slice off bits of the burrata using the plastic fork.
Add burrata to salami and consume.
Retrieve from your fridge the rosemary salami you recently purchased at a farmer’s market.
Slice off bits of the salami with a knife.
Add burrata to salami and consume.
When the burrata is gone, drink the milky salt watery goodness. (I told you it would be important).
Use a fork to remove the small delicious curds from the bottom of the bowl.
Eat a second burrata, because you lifted weights today.
Be glad you purchased three.
A morsel of delight.
Salty milky goodness.
Curds of joy.
Salty milky goodness.
Curds of joy.
Did you enjoy this post? Want me to consume a specific food? Comment on this article so I know what you want me to write.
You drove for 7 hours. Got gas twice. Called 9 friends. 498 miles down, 34 to go.
Yes, that few. Only 38 mins.
But you’re tired. It’s 11pm. Why rush?
Pull over. Crack the windows. Listen to Neil Young. Sleep a full night.
Enjoy a final stretch. Then, tomorrow, finish it.
SECTION 0. MY FIRST DISPUTE WITH THE TRANSPORTATION SECURITY ADMINISTRATION
In 2006, the TSA banned liquids. Being a clever, pedantic, and thirsty child, I arrived to the airport with a bottle of ice.
“You can’t bring that through security,” the agent explained.
I asked why.
She said, “It’s a liquid.” With a shit-eating grin, I replied, “But it’s ice.”
“I know,” she answered. “Ice is a liquid.”
SECTION 1: THE MOUTH
- Saliva is under-appreciated.
- Drool is disgusting.
- Spit should be avoided at all costs.
- The saliva of a lover requires further research, currently accepting applications.
SECTION 2: COMMON APPLICATIONS OF WATER
- The water that makes up 80% of my body: Great.
- 80% of your body: Passable.
- 80% of Donald Trump’s body: No comment.
- Water-based lube: good.
- Tears: Bad, unless they’re being used as water-based lube.
- Water is great for fish, camels, and rainforests, necessary for farmers, and hit-and-miss with New Orleans.
- Showers are good, baths are great, and hot tubs are excellent.
- The four differences between a bath and a hot tub are friends, chlorine, jets, and clothing. Realization: Friends and jets must be fabulous, because chlorine is awful and clothing is the worst.
SECTION 3: LOCATIONS WHERE ONE MIGHT FIND WATER
- Cup: good.
- Bottle: fine.
- Pool: excellent.
- Syringe: concerning.
- Computer: oh no.
- Bed: your fault.
- My van: bad rust.
- The statue of liberty: somehow delightful rust.
SECTION 4: LINGUISTIC ANALYSIS
- SUBSECTION 1: FICTIONAL ETYMOLOGY
- “Water” derives from the Latin “Wah-tah-ré,” meaning gift of the gods.
- SUBSECTION 2: SYLLABLES
- Wat: the Thai word for temple
- Er: the sound often heard during the search for a hard-to-find word.
- SUBSECTION 3: CURIOUS INSIGHT
- Food, air, sun, earth, touch, love, mom, dad. Why is the word “water” two syllables when all other life necessities can be described in one?
- SUBSECTION 4: WORDPLAY
- Water you doing? Water you talking about? Water you looking at?
- Too far:
- Water you want her, the waiter, to wither while we a-waiter to order?
SECTION 5: TRAITS
- Warm water: good for bathing.
- Cold water: good for drinking and borscht. Otherwise to be avoided.
- Hot water: Excellent for cooking.
- Also means “trouble,” as in the phrase, “While exchanging saliva, Carol and I overheard the deafening footfalls of Principal Jerickson’s rotund personage and knew we were in hot water.”
SECTION 6: ENDING
- Some say the world will end in fire, others in ice. I say the world already ended in a flood… or at least that’s what the Salt Lake City billboards taught me.
Special thanks to Brine Waves, a Salt Lake City writing group that invited me to their gathering this week, themed “water.”
Did you like this piece? Hate it? Throw a comment below so I can know what to write in the future.
1. Compose from my place of emotional vulnerability until satisfied.
2. Edit such that I like it sufficiently. (ideally, I would edit until I like it maximally, but 1. One can only do so much in limited time and 2. It’s better to edit something over multiple days than to avoid editing it altogether because I can’t make it maximally satisfactory in one.)
3. If it’s safe for public consumption, share it.
This song is hilarious.
- It’s a German heavy metal cover of the U.S. Bubblegum Pop band that wrote “The Ballroom Blitz.”
- The original song, “Fox on the Run“, tells the story of a man chasing after an attractive woman. The German heavy metal cover, “Fuchs Geh Voran“, describes an actual fox-hunt, like those that happened in Jane Austin’s day.
- The original song is by Sweet, a shortened form of “The Sweetshop”, a place where children receive candy. The German Heavy Metal Band named themselves “Scorpions,” one of the world’s top 5 creepiest animals. And they didn’t choose “The Scorpions,” with a “The” to indicate they’re a band, not actual scorpions. Nor did they choose the singular form, “Scorpion”. No, they wanted fans to imagine multiple creepy crawlies each time their band name is mentioned.
- Heavy metal, fox hunting, and the German language are a great combo. An excerpt of the lyrics: (For full effect, imagine it sung in German, backed by heavy metal music. And if you don’t know German, simply imagine in a heavy German accent.)
Hey, you beautiful animal,
I come and help you,
you are in danger.
Hey, you all just want your fur,
and whoever sells it fast,
yes that’s unfortunately true.
Wir müßen den Fuchs häuten!
The humor has concluded. You may now laugh.
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