Top Secret Games: Hospital Edition

(Fourth in the Top Secret Games series, after Trader Joe’s, Airport, and Bathroom Line)

  1. If you need immediate assistance, press the “Nurse Call” button and yell “Explosive Diarrhea!”. Someone will come running. This one is especially helpful if you’re hooked up to wires. (This game was told to us by the nurse herself. Never used, but helpful to have in one’s back pocket.) 
  2. If you’re in severe pain and your nurse hasn’t come by in ~2 hours, ring your “Nurse Call” button. The charge nurse will ask what you need. Stay silent. Someone will come immediately. (Also not actually used, but hypothesized to be quite effective.) 
  3. X-ray tech will show you pictures if you’re cool. They also say you’re good to go to the local aquarium with a nasogastric tube. 
  4. There is popcorn in the lobby. They do not have a port for nasogastric tubes. But they will laugh with you when you make the joke. 
  5. If you’re short, children with cancer will think you’re a child and give you a half-wave acknowledgement. Facial swelling and a nasogastric tube might have helped here. 
  6. The home health care people will set you up so you can buy a bunch of stuff. OR, if you ask, the nurse will just grab you the stuff anyway, seemingly for free. 

Houston Hospital

My day today was focused on Partner and healing. Here are a few amusing experiences. 

Partner, en route to the hospital: “You know your city might be too into cars when instructions start ‘go to the parking garage’.”

-–

“You’re so lucky Adam y’all nurse.” -a drive-by comment from a passing nurse. 

Partner, being wheeled back to surgery: “I think we should start seeing other people.” 

Nurse: “That’s just the medication talking.” 

Me: <Laughter. This is a running joke of ours.> 

They wheeled her away so fast that I didn’t even get to respond, “Start?” 

— 

Ben at the Gyro Hut in downtown Houston pronounces it “guy-roh”. And when you say to him “random thing: I’ve always heard it yee-roh”, he says “I’ve heard it pronounced all sorts of ways. I’ve heard ghee-roh, jie-roh, yee-roh. 8 just say guy-roh because that’s the letters”, you fist-bump him and shrug to yourself: fair enough. 

— 

At the hospital, me: “I’m looking for my partner in s701” 

Hospital worker: “Go around there to the bank of elevators, take it up to 7.” 

Me: “Is this not 7?” 

Her: “This is two.” 

Sign at elevator: floor 3 

Nurse: “Let’s adjust your feeding tube.” 

Partner: “Is it duck à l’orange?” 

The above interaction occurred three times, with three different nurses. The commonality? None of them know what duck à l’orange is. Two out of three did get the joke. 

A Self-Fulfilling Competence

A belief in my competence helps create my competence. 

I often experience the following while traveling: “did I bring X?” 

Then I assume I did not bring X. So I don’t look for X. So I don’t get the benefit of X despite the fact that I did in fact bring X! 

This structure – and mainly the assumption – creates a downward spiral of incompetence. In reality, however, the issue is not one of competence but one of perceived competence. If I accurately recalled that I had brought the item, I would instead pat myself on the back, reinforcing the positive behavior. 

So how do I overcome this spiral? Note when I succeed? Question the times when I assume I have failed? Something else? 

[Ironically, after writing this, I misplaced the exact item that I had written this post about. 😂]

Three unrelated experiences

Today was a travel day. Here are three funnies. 

Me, after entering a packed elevator: “Okay everybody, jump on three. One…” 

Everybody laughs. 

A guy in the back of the elevator: “Two.” 

— 

The woman in the high-viz vest with the light-up wand directing traffic at the Houston airport does not use the standard hand signals. Instead of waving the traffic forward or gesturing with an outstretched hand for stop, she whistles twice for go and whistles twice for stop. The traffic appropriately fails to understand her. 

“Hey what’s your name, Tarzan?” asks a man on the NYC street as I stroll by, shirtless. 

It would appear he answers his own question. 

[Partner says she walked by the same guy later, and he asked, “Hey, where’s Tarzan?” 

Brass Booooooooooo-rmingham

Like a low opinion, not like a ghost. 

Today, a friend taught me the board game Brass Birmingham. There’s one rule in the game – the rule that you can sell any and all of your items in one fell swoop – that I forgot. And my friend mentioned it specifically! During his beginning explanation, he had specifically said, “The first few times we played the game, we got this rule wrong.” 

And the explainer video had mentioned it. 

And I just… forgot. 

It was a pivotal rule. I would have played entirely differently. 

The culprit? 

  1. Me. I was told: fair play. 
  2. The tiny little reference card that the game gives each player. If they phrased the card differently, it would be obvious! 

I used to playtest games. I don’t know how this one slipped by them. A simple rephrasing would have changed the whole game. 

In a game that’s essentially just minutiae, way to tank the whole thing. 

Harrumph. 

I didn’t like this one rule mistake. I liked the rest of the game. In a large, intricate system, one small mistake can sink the ship. 

(Apparently, in reprints they have rephrased it. Grumble grumble.) 

Also, a humorous exchange while Parnter and I packed up our apartment ahead of renovations: 

Me: “Our relationship is really grating on me.”

Partner: “Our relationship is really great!”

Communication is the key to all good relationships.

Maybe the Department of Buildings is a racket? 

It isn’t racketeering when the government does it. 

Here’s what happened: 

0. My friend’s architect told her: All plans submitted to the New York City Department of Buildings (DoB) get rejected the first time. The city receives a percentage of the total renovation costs, so they’ll require you to increase it. 

  1. My architect filled out the DoB website; I clicked submit. 
  2. The DoB examiner rejected my submission, requesting a higher price for the renovations and a detailed description of the price calculation. 
  3. My architect resubmitted with a 10% increased price, but without a detailed description of the calculation. 
  4. The DoB examiner accepted these new plans. 

Um, sure? 

I guess it’s possible that the original pricing was underestimated by exactly 10%. But also, what about that detailed calculation they requested? It seems much more likely that they just have a policy of rejecting every initial submission to increase their take. 

I’m reminded of Henry Kissinger’s method of accepting memos from his staff: 

Send the memo back with the line “Is this the best you can do?” scrawled on it in red ink. Then, scrawl the same on the resubmission. And repeat. After the third-or-so time, the guy will come running into your office screaming, “Yes, this is the best I can do!” At that point, calmly reply, “Okay, then I’ll read it.” 

Brooklyn Communists

The best part of Brooklyn? It’s near New York City. 

Partner & I trained for 48 minutes each way to an event in Brooklyn. 

The event: four fifteen-minute talks plus Q&A, starting at 5pm since we had to vacate the space ahead of a different event starting at 6:30pm. 

Partner & I arrived at 4:40. One of the organizers said, “You guys are early. Could you come back in 20 minutes?”[1] 

If you’re going to have four fifteen-minute talks, plus Q&A time, you really want to start near 5pm. See, I don’t know what they teach you in Brooklyn. But here in Manhattan, 4 x 15minute = 60 minutes. And 60 minutes = an hour. 

Instead, they didn’t start until 5:20pm because, as they said, “Some people are coming from work.” 

No duh. It’s Thursday. How did you not consider this? 

So the talks got squished to 10mins each. And the Q&A got squished to one chunk of ~8 minutes. 

And only two people put their shoes in the little cabinet despite the cabinet being labeled “put your shoes in this cabinet”. And yes, they were Me & Partner. 

The talks were on living in communal spaces. Partner and I are interested in living with friends. We want to raise a family alongside other families, ideally in the same apartment or neighboring. 

But, for us this trait is only one of our interests. For the people at this presentation, co-living is the main part of their identity. 

One of the recommended processes for co-living: have a roommate check-in. Include open dialogue so different housemates can share their problems. 

My problem: a poorly scheduled, structured, and run event. 

[1] Partner says they said, “You guys are incredibly early.” I didn’t hear the incredibly.

Performance-Enhancing Drugs Are Fundamentally Good

Chemicals don’t care what you call them.

Performance-enhancing drugs are great. They enhance performance, and isn’t enhanced performance good? 

Look: today I felt grumpy. So Partner grabbed me a pearl tea: sugar, plus a substance the Olympics banned until 2004. Twenty minutes later I was up and rolling, knocking out work I’d been avoiding for three weeks. It got me thinking.

The classifications we give – food vs supplement vs medication vs drug vs illegal drug – are not chemically meaningful. If you eat the vitamin C that’s in an orange, that’s called eating an orange. If you take the same amount of vitamin C in pill form, that’s called taking a supplement. Yet we think about these very differently. The exact same chemical process that ten years ago was called doing drugs is now called “doctor-prescribed medication for sleep” (cannabis). 

Why does our society (all societies?) have these classifications? We want to restrict some behaviors: for the safety of others, for the safety of the individual, or for reasons that aren’t about safety at all.

The biggest not-about-safety category is purity: questions of what a human is, and what appropriate human behavior looks like. So what’s with the obsession with purity?

I’m reminded of a lawyer who built a Supreme Court practice by soliciting: He would identify cases the Court might take, contact the potential plaintiffs to inform them of their potential case, and end up arguing before the Justices. Chief Justice John Roberst pooh-poohed this: “If I’m going to have heart-bypass surgery, I wouldn’t go to the surgeon who calls me up.” 

But actually, wouldn’t you? Let’s run the thought experiment. A surgeon approaches you out of nowhere: “Based on the shape of your face, I know that you have obstructive sleep apnea. I’m a medical doctor. I studied at this school. I’m not some quack making things up: here are the rigorous scientific tests you can take to verify what I’m telling you. And get a second opinion, if you like.” I would think: that’s excellent.

In fact, this is roughly what happened to me before my jaw surgery. After six doctors’ worth of searching, I found Dr. Christian Guilleminault – one of the founders of the field of obstructive sleep apnea, since passed. While he hadn’t found me on the street, his diagnosis was as unsolicited as they come. He looked at my face and said: “I can tell by the shape of your face that you were a rambunctious child.”

What a funny thing to say! 

He followed it up with, “We will send you in for the lab tests, of course, but I already know what they will say.” He then predicted the results, which aligned perfectly when the tests came back a few months later. That’s the doctor I want to hire! 

So much of our restriction runs on purity. But purity is not itself good for the individual. Purity puts the individual into a particular game — a game they can win only by behaving in one specific way, and a game they never asked to play.

The purity game is about packaging. Take virginity, the archetype of purity: a woman who is chaste, who follows the virginal pathway, receives adulation for it. There are other pathways to adulation. Purity just happens to be the lowest common denominator (for women in a specific slice of society). 

I drastically prefer informed consent. The biggest danger with performance-enhancing drugs — with drugs, period — is the unknown unknowns. You have to know and understand not only the limitations of the drug itself, but the limitations of our knowledge about the drug. We do this poorly as a society, because much of a doctor’s job is to demonstrate confidence and instill calm. They act, one could fairly say, like a con man. The onus is therefore on you the patient to work out the actual epistemology of your circumstance. It is frequently much less certain than any doctor, drug manufacturer, or therapist would have you believe.

External games like purity are other people’s scoreboard. Informed consent is your own: you, the substance, and an honest approximation of uncertainty. To enhance performance, choose the right substances. To choose the substance, know the limits of what’s known.

Today I consented, informed, to one highly-caffeinated pearl tea. Three weeks of avoidance, cleared. Enhanced performance. Fundamentally good.

If everyone’s an asshole… 

If everyone’s an asshole, maybe everyone’s an asshole. 

Since learning the following heuristic, I’ve generally found it to be true: 

  • If someone’s an asshole, they’re an asshole. 
  • If everyone’s an assole, you’re the assole. 

At 116th st and Lenox, a woman’s tiny chihuahua, hidden behind a scaffolding support, poops. The owner, talking to her friend, begins to cross the street without ever looking back at her dog. Partner tells her, “Your dog pooped.” The woman says, “You wanna pick it up?” 

In the gym 5 minutes later, a woman performs thrusts in front of a cage. “Could you move forward?” She says, “Then I’d be in his way!” 

The gym is mainly open space! Pick any of this! 

45 minutes later, a man throws a dumbbell in anger. He harrangues his friend for not spotting him properly. I feel both alarmed and frightened. Dumbbells are big and heavy. They sometimes cause injury when used properly, let alone when thrown in anger. 

I don’t think I was the asshole today. I either think more assholes were out today or I noticed them more. 

Then again, that’s exactly what an asshole would say. 

The Snippable Lock

To swim, bring a lock. To buy a lock, see the lemonade guy.

Yet again, New York rules just seem reasonable to me.

Partner and I arrived at the public pool at 4:05pm. There was a line. Not because the pool was full, but because Parks Department workers were ensuring everyone had a swimsuit and a lock.

  • You must have a swimsuit (no street clothes allowed, presumably for hygienic reasons).
  • You must have a lock, in order to store your items in a locker.

Further rules include:

  • No cell phones at the pool area (presumably either to prevent people taking photos of each other, or because the park department doesn’t want to deal with phones getting wet or thieves).
  • If you do not have any items to store, you do not need a lock.
  • The lock must be sufficiently large that 1) it will fit the big loops of the lockers, and 2) the Parks Department bolt cutters can grip it to snip it. 

The group ahead of us arrived at the front of the line without a lock. The entry workers indicated that they could purchase a lock from the nearby lemonade vendor. After they bought the lock, they could skip the line and re-enter.

The line itself took like 5 minutes: no harm, no foul. 

My favorite is the bolt cutters: your lock must be strong enough to stop a thief and weak enough for the city to snip. New York rules don’t just have reasons: they have exit plans.

At the pool, one of the lifeguards called out “Brother man!” to a neighboring patron on his cell phone. 

The patron replied, “Yeah?”

“If they catch you on your phone, they’re gonna kick you outta here.” 

“Oh, thanks man!” 

The system works.