1. Remove yesterday’s leftover Imagine™ Broccoli Creamy Soup from the fridge.
2. Holding the bowl with two hands, sip soup.
3. Remark how much more delicious this soup would be warm.
4. Wish the friend who’s letting you crash at his place had a microwave.
5. Repeat steps 3 & 4 until all the soup is gone.
I’m making a cookbook. It’s called “Real Recipes, Real Author, Fake Chef.” This is the first entry:
Dinner: Couldn’t Afford the Expensive Cow.
- 1 lb of the ground beef once you learn that the steak is $30/lb
- Last week’s kale
- Bertolli Alfredo sauce
- 2 TB Kerrygold butter
- Turn on the stove.
- Dump in half the ground beef. When you can’t find a Tupperware, just tell yourself you’ll finish it soon and put the rest straight in the fridge.
- Add butter. You should have done this earlier.
- Dump in kale.
- Using a spatula, smash all the ingredients together.
- Once the beef is brown, transfer to a bowl.
- Notice you haven’t washed the pan in a week. Grumble that it’s cast iron, so probably requires some weird cleaning steps.
- Wash the pan anyway. Look at you – so clean!
- Drizzle the remainder of the Alfredo sauce from the fridge.
Why did you buy two pizza pies?
You’re only one man, and you have thighs
That will grow fatter
If you eat all that batter.
“They were deep dish,
Which makes me its bitch
When combined with the heaven
Of ‘second pie costs $7.'”
Well, that explains
Your stretched-tummy pains.
Now go and count sheep
You should be asleep.
“I would be! I would!
But it’s hard to be good.
After crunching all week,
I feel so… uh, weak.”
That I can see!
It’s going to be
A much-needed weekend
Spent with a friend.
(Context: I haven’t eaten food in the last 72 hours.)
Fasting isn’t difficult, but it is trying:
- It’s trying to get something to eat and then not.
- It’s trying and failing to fill the void inside you that food usually patches over.
- It’s trying to slow down and succeeding and enjoying that success.
- It’s trying to speak French with the Uber driver from Ethiopia and not minding the embarrassment when he sticks to English.
- It’s dancing with the devil and winning for a step or two.
- It’s trying to wrench up gunk from within your soul but, digging deep, not even finding a soul.
- It’s trying to find God in the man with the megaphone and instead just achieving an intense, god-like focus.
- It’s molding yourself like a wet ball of clay.
- It’s trying to define a self while also trying to change it.
- It’s trying—and succeeding—to sleep peacefully, because nothing else matters when you’re hungry.