Sham (Fro)gurt

Soup / Ham / (Frozen) / Yogurt
Ingredients:
  • 2 Cans Campbell’s® Condensed Chicken Noodle Soup
  • 1 Cherry Chobani® Greek Yogurt
  • 1 Brown Cow® Blueberry Yogurt
  • 1 Oscar Meyer DeliFresh Honey Uncured Ham with Now Better Honey Flavor
Instructions:
  1. Freeze the Brown Cow® Blueberry Yogurt.
  2. Eat a tube of Oscar Meyer DeliFresh Honey Uncured Ham with Now Better Honey Flavor
  3. Eat a bunch of tubes of Oscar Meyer DeliFresh Honey Uncured Ham with Now Better Honey Flavor.
  4. Open one Campbell’s® Condensed Chicken Noodle Soup
  5. Tip it back, drinking the broth like a can of beer.
  6. Using a spoon, eat the noodles & chicken straight from the can, no cooking necessary.
  7. Eat a few more tubes of Oscar Meyer DeliFresh Honey Uncured Ham with Now Better Honey Flavor
  8. Open the second Campbell’s® Condensed Chicken Noodle Soup
  9. Consume the soup in the same manner you did previously.
  10. Open the Brown Cow® Blueberry yogurt.
  11. Let stand for fifteen minutes, then consume it using the same spoon. 0.0.0. Evernote Snapshot 20190402 035851

Yo BTB! (Bearded Tomato Bisque) 

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Ingredients:
  • 7 tins Yogurt, in any flavor (Note: individually-wrapped tins of cottage cheese are also acceptable, but only if they have fruit on the bottom. For this meal, I used 4 yogurt, 3 cottage cheese.)
  • 1 can Campbell’s® Tomato Bisque
Instructions:
  1. Grow a beard.
  2. Eat 6 Yogurts.
  3. Remove lid from the Campbell’s® Tomato Bisque.
  4. Sip half the Campbell’s® Tomato Bisque.
  5. Eat the final Yogurt.
  6. Sip the rest of the Bisque.
  7. Fall asleep in your van.
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Campbell’s® Homestyle Chicken Noodle Soup

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Ingredients:

  • Can of Campbell’s® Homestyle Chicken Noodle Soup
  • Water
  • Soup Pot (I didn’t clean mine after making Campbell’s® Cream of Bacon Soup the day before, but a clean pot will do just fine.)
  • Spoon

Instructions:

  1. Mix soup + 1 can water
  2. Read back of can, where it says, “Stove: Heat, stirring occasionally.” Evernote Snapshot 20190316 212851.jpg
  3. Follow those instructions.
  4. Pour soup into the largest mug you can find. The noodles will remain behind.
  5. Add two ice cubes. Sip until gone.
  6. Transfer the noodles to the mug.
  7. Slurp until gone.

Ample Protein 

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Ingredients:

Optional Pre-preparation Instructions:

0.1 Have obstructive sleep apnea.

0.2 Undergo maxillomandibular advancement surgery.

0.3 Wait until the second week after surgery, when you’re permitted to consume only liquids.

Necessary Instructions:

  1. Uncap an ample mealshake.
  2. Roll a paper towel into a tube, long-ways.
  3. Insert the tube into the Ample.2.jpeg
  4. Spread the tube into a funnel.
  5. Release a scoop of protein powder into the funnel.
  6. Shake the paper towel side-to-side until the powder all falls in.
  7. Add cold water to the Ample until it’s half-full.
  8. Recap the Ample and shake it vigorously in multiple positions.
  9. Return the Ample to upright and tap the bottle to settle the powder at the bottom.
  10. Open the Ample and fill it with water up to the top of the label.
  11. Recap the Ample and shake yourself vigorously in multiple positions.
  12. Drink and enjoy!

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(Optional final step: Use the Ample to swallow an antibiotic and two pain pills.) 

Mac & Cheese.

(For my Millennial Cookbook)

Ingredients:

  • Trader Joe’s Organic Shells and White Cheddar Macaroni & Cheese.
  • Milk.
  • Butter.

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Instructions:*

  1. Videochat with a friend.
  2. Evernote Snapshot 20190308 175656
*Notes:
  • I made it on the stovetop, but the microwave method is also perfectly acceptable. (In both cases, the last step is NOT OPTIONAL).
  • I used whole milk and added more than 3 Tbsp. I regret adding more than 3 Tbsp, but would use the whole milk again in a heartbeat.

Documentation:

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Green Soup

Instructions:
  1. Pour Imagine™ Broccoli Creamy Soup into a medium pan*.
  2. Simmer on low heat.
  3. When soup has taken about the right amount of time (it’s a feeling), remove it from the heat and transfer to a bowl**.
  4. Feel with pinky finger to verify it’s cool enough.
  5. Stir with knife to equalize hot spots.
  6. Lift with both hands.
  7. Enjoy.
*You may use the same pan you used to make Imagine™ Portobello Mushroom Creamy Soup this afternoon.
**You may use the same bowl you used to make Imagine™Portobello Mushroom Creamy Soup this afternoon.
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Introducing my joke-cookbook

I’m making a cookbook. It’s called “Real Recipes, Real Author, Fake Chef.” This is the first entry:

 

Dinner: Couldn’t Afford the Expensive Cow.

Ingredients:

  • 1 lb of the ground beef once you learn that the steak is $30/lb
  • Last week’s kale
  • Bertolli Alfredo sauce
  • 2 TB Kerrygold butter

 

Instructions:

  1. Turn on the stove.
  2. Dump in half the ground beef. When you can’t find a Tupperware, just tell yourself you’ll finish it soon and put the rest straight in the fridge.
  3. Add butter. You should have done this earlier.
  4. Dump in kale.
  5. Using a spatula, smash all the ingredients together.
  6. Once the beef is brown, transfer to a bowl.
  7. Notice you haven’t washed the pan in a week. Grumble that it’s cast iron, so probably requires some weird cleaning steps.
  8. Wash the pan anyway. Look at you – so clean!
  9. Drizzle the remainder of the Alfredo sauce from the fridge.
  10. Enjoy!

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