The Fiercest Chihuahua You’ve Ever Met

In this corner, at five-pound-four and thirty inches long, she’s the fiercest chihuahua you’ve ever met. She defends her food with the courage of a Rottweiler. She’s a fierce mama bear with six gnawed nipples to prove it. She marks giants’ territory as her own and likes her scritches… ruff.

 

Ladies and Gentlemen…

 

 

 

 

The one and only…

 

 

 

 

 

Smidge

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Want more Smidge? Comment with a request. 

Burrata & Salami on Lap

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Ingredients:

  • Burrata
  • Salami (sliced)
  • A second salami (unsliced)
  • Gluttonous attitude

Preparation Instructions:

  1. Stop at a grocery store en route to the gym.
  2. Find the burrata cheese.
  3. Consider buying two burratas.
  4. Notice there’s a sale.Buy three, and tack on a package of salami for good measure. IMG_7054

Consumption instructions:

  1. When opening the burrata, be careful not to spill any of the salt water. (This will be important later.)
  2. Open the package of salami.
  3. Slice off bits of the burrata using the plastic fork.
  4. Add burrata to salami and consume.
  5. Retrieve from your fridge the rosemary salami you recently purchased at a farmer’s market.
  6. Slice off bits of the salami with a knife.
  7. Add burrata to salami and consume.
  8. When the burrata is gone, drink the milky salt watery goodness. (I told you it would be important).
  9. Use a fork to remove the small delicious curds from the bottom of the bowl.
  10. Eat a second burrata, because you lifted weights today.
  11. Be glad you purchased three.

Did you enjoy this post? Want me to consume a specific food? Comment on this article so I know what you want me to write.  

Fuchs Geh Voran!

This song is hilarious.

Funny bits:

  1. It’s a German heavy metal cover of the U.S. Bubblegum Pop band that wrote “The Ballroom Blitz.”
  2. The original song, “Fox on the Run“, tells the story of a man chasing after an attractive woman. The German heavy metal cover, “Fuchs Geh Voran“, describes an actual fox-hunt, like those that happened in Jane Austin’s day.
  3. The original song is by Sweet, a shortened form of “The Sweetshop”, a place where children receive candy. The German Heavy Metal Band named themselves “Scorpions,” one of the world’s top 5 creepiest animals. And they didn’t choose “The Scorpions,” with a “The” to indicate they’re a band, not actual scorpions. Nor did they choose the singular form, “Scorpion”. No, they wanted fans to imagine multiple creepy crawlies each time their band name is mentioned.
  4. Heavy metal, fox hunting, and the German language are a great combo. An excerpt of the lyrics: (For full effect, imagine it sung in German, backed by heavy metal music. And if you don’t know German, simply imagine in a heavy German accent.) 

Hey, you beautiful animal,
I come and help you,
you are in danger.

Hey, you all just want your fur,
and whoever sells it fast,
yes that’s unfortunately true.

Wir müßen den Fuchs häuten!

The humor has concluded. You may now laugh.

If you enjoyed this piece, please like it or leave a comment. It helps me know what to write. 

 

Yo BTB! (Bearded Tomato Bisque) 

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Ingredients:
  • 7 tins Yogurt, in any flavor (Note: individually-wrapped tins of cottage cheese are also acceptable, but only if they have fruit on the bottom. For this meal, I used 4 yogurt, 3 cottage cheese.)
  • 1 can Campbell’s® Tomato Bisque
Instructions:
  1. Grow a beard.
  2. Eat 6 Yogurts.
  3. Remove lid from the Campbell’s® Tomato Bisque.
  4. Sip half the Campbell’s® Tomato Bisque.
  5. Eat the final Yogurt.
  6. Sip the rest of the Bisque.
  7. Fall asleep in your van.
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Campbell’s® Homestyle Chicken Noodle Soup

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Ingredients:

  • Can of Campbell’s® Homestyle Chicken Noodle Soup
  • Water
  • Soup Pot (I didn’t clean mine after making Campbell’s® Cream of Bacon Soup the day before, but a clean pot will do just fine.)
  • Spoon

Instructions:

  1. Mix soup + 1 can water
  2. Read back of can, where it says, “Stove: Heat, stirring occasionally.” Evernote Snapshot 20190316 212851.jpg
  3. Follow those instructions.
  4. Pour soup into the largest mug you can find. The noodles will remain behind.
  5. Add two ice cubes. Sip until gone.
  6. Transfer the noodles to the mug.
  7. Slurp until gone.

Ample Protein 

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Ingredients:

Optional Pre-preparation Instructions:

0.1 Have obstructive sleep apnea.

0.2 Undergo maxillomandibular advancement surgery.

0.3 Wait until the second week after surgery, when you’re permitted to consume only liquids.

Necessary Instructions:

  1. Uncap an ample mealshake.
  2. Roll a paper towel into a tube, long-ways.
  3. Insert the tube into the Ample.2.jpeg
  4. Spread the tube into a funnel.
  5. Release a scoop of protein powder into the funnel.
  6. Shake the paper towel side-to-side until the powder all falls in.
  7. Add cold water to the Ample until it’s half-full.
  8. Recap the Ample and shake it vigorously in multiple positions.
  9. Return the Ample to upright and tap the bottle to settle the powder at the bottom.
  10. Open the Ample and fill it with water up to the top of the label.
  11. Recap the Ample and shake yourself vigorously in multiple positions.
  12. Drink and enjoy!

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(Optional final step: Use the Ample to swallow an antibiotic and two pain pills.) 

Mac & Cheese.

(For my Millennial Cookbook)

Ingredients:

  • Trader Joe’s Organic Shells and White Cheddar Macaroni & Cheese.
  • Milk.
  • Butter.

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Instructions:*

  1. Videochat with a friend.
  2. Evernote Snapshot 20190308 175656
*Notes:
  • I made it on the stovetop, but the microwave method is also perfectly acceptable. (In both cases, the last step is NOT OPTIONAL).
  • I used whole milk and added more than 3 Tbsp. I regret adding more than 3 Tbsp, but would use the whole milk again in a heartbeat.

Documentation:

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