I’ve curated a list of recent quotes from my life, along with a challenge: Who said each quote? Me or Not-Me? (Answers at the end; track your responses to see how well you fare!)
- “You know that Carly Simon song? It’s about me.”
- “Sometimes I feel like I’m always rushing. Then I get some free time and it’s just the worst.”
- “When you eliminate the extraneous, all that’s left is you. When you eliminate the you, all that’s left is the Tao.”
- “Pickling is so great. They take cucumbers and make them edible!”
- “Nexterday. I mean tomorrow.”
- “I like spending time with people with low self-esteem—whenever we arrive at a problem, they’re too busy blaming themselves to blame me.”
- “I’m a coffee drinker, so cups of tea aren’t my cup of tea.”
- “You’re nervous. That’s okay. Just don’t be nervous about being nervous.”
- “My computer just told me it has an upgrade it wants to run. Let me guess: it’s going to make the computer run more slowly and not affect how I use it at all.”
- “The more I learn about how things work, the more I learn they’re stupid and poorly done.”
- “Avocado would be a great Halloween costume for a pregnant woman.”
- “With T-Mobile, you get free tacos on Tuesdays, but with Verizon you can make phone calls.”
To protect you from accidentally seeing the answers, please enjoy this anecdote: (Real! Real true! Real true funny!)
Context: A highschool couple eats dinner at Chick-Fil-A. The Girl has painted her face with such vigor that it lacks pores. The guy sports spiky hair, diamond hoop earrings, and flip-flops.
Girl: I don’t find comedy funny.
Guy: You don’t find comedy funny?
Girl: I find it cringe-y. It’s not natural funny. It’s like forced funny. I don’t like comedy movies because they’re not funny. I feel like the only comedy that I actually find funny is, like, White Chicks. Oh my god! We should watch White Chicks together!
(Scroll down for the answers)
(Who’s a good scroller? You are! Yes, you are!)
Those answers you’ve been waiting for:
1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, and 12 are by Yours Truly
0: You know me incredibly well, but prefer self-sabotage.
1-3: Next time, try flipping a coin.
4-6: You did flip a coin.
7-9: Let’s be friends.
10-11: So close and yet so far. Was it the pickling? I bet it was the pickling.
12: Self… is that you? I mean me? Are you… me?