Tag: Religion

Love Island: a Comedy Sketch

JulianLeave a comment

Love Island: Australia is one of my favorite TV shows. I wrote a comedy sketch parodying it. If you’d enjoy filming it with me, comment on this doc or shoot me an email.

Love Island Sketch

[Shots of a beautiful island paradise, then a mansion. An attractive man’s face in sunglasses. Then a woman’s foot in a high heel, panning up]

Voiceover:

  • You couldn’t get enough of Love Island Australia, US, and UK. Now, time for the hit new show pairing stunning women with dashing dudes… Love Island: Sharia.

[Zooming out from the high heel: A woman in a burqa]

  • It’s the romantic intrigue of Romeo and Juliet. And the family intrigue of… Romeo and Juliet.

[The woman stands flanked by her parents – a mustachioed man and an older woman in a burqa]

HOST (a man):

  • It’s time for the coupling.

[Zoom out to see there are 3 eligible women, each flanked by a mustachioed man and an older woman in a burqa]

  • Our first contestant, come on out.

[A muscular, mustachioed man emerges. He saunters to center-stage.]

  • Muhammad is from Saudi Arabia. His hobbies include praising god and worshiping the prophet Mohammed.
  • Muhammad, tell us about yourself.

Muhammad:

  • I pray 5 times a day.

HOST:

  • What are you looking for in a wife?

Muhammad:

  • At least 3 goats.

HOST:

  • Contestants, step forward if you’re interested in Muhammad.

[All 3 of the fathers (not the daughters) step forward.]

HOST:

  • Muhammad, all three of these lovely ladies are interested in you. Who will you choose?

Muhammad:

  • (Pointing) Her.

HOST:

  • Why did you choose this man’s daughter? 

Muhammad:

  • She looks like her mother.

HOST:

  • Muhammad and this man’s daughter: you’re our first couple. 

[Glamor shots of the couple standing beside each other, her parents in the back.]

  • Our second contestant, come on out.

[A muscular, mustachioed man emerges. He saunters to center-stage.]

  • Mohammed is from Saudi Arabia. His hobbies include worshipping the prophet Mohammed and praising god.
  • Mohammed, tell us about yourself.

Mohammed:

  • I am named after the prophet to whom I pray 5 times per day.

HOST:

  • What are you looking for in a wife?

Muhammad:

  • A woman who is chaste and will serve me.

HOST:

  • Contestants, step forward if you’re interested in Muhammad.

[All 3 of the fathers (not the daughters) step forward.]

HOST:

  • Mohammed, all three of these lovely ladies are interested in you. Who will you choose?

Mohammed:

  • (Grunts, along with a gesture)

HOST:

  • Why did you choose this man’s daughter?

Mohammed:

  • Her father looks wealthy.

HOST:

  • Mohammed, congratulations: you’re our second couple.

[Glamor shots of the couple standing beside each other, her parents in the back.]

  • Our final contestant, come on out.

[A famous American actor emerges, dressed in a muscle tank and board shorts. One of the women contestants immediately steps forward. Her parents are appalled.]

  • Chad is from Santa Monica. His hobbies include surfing and weightlifting. Chad, tell us about yourself.

Chad:

  • I like surfing, partying, and having a good time.

[A second woman steps forward. Her parents are appalled.]

HOST:

  • What do you look for in a partner?

Chad:

  • I like someone strong and fun with a bodacious bod.

[The third woman steps forward.]

One of the contestants’ fathers (Aggressively):

  • How often do you pray?

Chad:

  • I pray all the time, man. For gnarly waves. [Shoots a shaka]

[All three contestants step forward again]

HOST:

  • All three of these lovely ladies are interested. Who will you choose?

Chad:

  • Are you single?

HOST (a man):

  • Me?

Chad:

  • Yeah, man!

[Shots of the angry fathers.]

Voiceover (shots of a beautiful island):

  • Next week on Love Island: Sharia.

[Chad is bound on his hands and knees while the three fathers host a trial for him.]

The day I decided to trust myself.

JulianLeave a comment

On following others:

School is following others. Culture instills following others. Corporations, countries, and organizations require following others. Following others is not for the individual. It’s for the safety of the herd.

On freedom and the individual:

I need the freedom to express. I need the freedom to explore. I need the freedom to create. These are only taught by the world’s best teachers. Learn to learn from yourself or risk living someone else’s version of your life.

Fuchs Geh Voran!

JulianLeave a comment

This song is hilarious.

Funny bits:

  1. It’s a German heavy metal cover of the U.S. Bubblegum Pop band that wrote “The Ballroom Blitz.”
  2. The original song, “Fox on the Run“, tells the story of a man chasing after an attractive woman. The German heavy metal cover, “Fuchs Geh Voran“, describes an actual fox-hunt, like those that happened in Jane Austin’s day.
  3. The original song is by Sweet, a shortened form of “The Sweetshop”, a place where children receive candy. The German Heavy Metal Band named themselves “Scorpions,” one of the world’s top 5 creepiest animals. And they didn’t choose “The Scorpions,” with a “The” to indicate they’re a band, not actual scorpions. Nor did they choose the singular form, “Scorpion”. No, they wanted fans to imagine multiple creepy crawlies each time their band name is mentioned.
  4. Heavy metal, fox hunting, and the German language are a great combo. An excerpt of the lyrics: (For full effect, imagine it sung in German, backed by heavy metal music. And if you don’t know German, simply imagine in a heavy German accent.) 

Hey, you beautiful animal,
I come and help you,
you are in danger.

Hey, you all just want your fur,
and whoever sells it fast,
yes that’s unfortunately true.

Wir müßen den Fuchs häuten!

The humor has concluded. You may now laugh.

If you enjoyed this piece, please like it or leave a comment. It helps me know what to write. 

 

The Golden Calf and You

JulianLeave a comment

There’s a Jewish summer camp for adults. That sounds so fun. I get a scholarship because I volunteer with a Jewish youth group. The scholarship required an application. One question asked about my favorite Jewish teaching. This is what I wrote:

As a child in Hebrew school, I was the troublemaker. The kid who wouldn’t sit still, whose desk was separated from others by a distance just longer than his arms. Only on one day did I stop making trouble:

I had been scooting around the classroom on my belly when my teacher scratched the side of his nose, our signal for “You’re goofing off, Julian. Stop it.” I ignored it. He signaled for a second time. I ignored it again, because “What’s he gonna do?” Then, he began the story of The Golden Calf. I stopped scooting. I knew this one was going to matter the moment he began. See, The Golden Calf is about worship. It’s about how easy it is to make things sacred. It goes something like this:

“Once upon a time God gave Laws. The first one was “I’m God and that’s it.” Then, Moses, God’s go-between leaves his people alone for TEN MINUTES and they make this statue of a cow, made out of gold. And they were dancing and praying, saying it was their God. Moses got pissed and smashed it.”

Now, why does this matter? What can you learn?

  • You’re going to worship. A man locked in prison worships the sunrise he sees through the bars. Deprived of all your senses, you’ll still worship. Consciously choose what you worship, because you’ll act like it’s all that matters.
  • Physical objects are easily broken, so don’t make them into Gods. This one sounds obvious, but actually drove human history for a while. Did you know one reason Jews were successful was that they didn’t have physical Gods? If your God was a lump of wood or a rock or a statue, invaders could storm in, steal it, and subjugate your people easily… because they literally have your God! But the Jewish God wasn’t represented in idols. Also probably a good analogy for life: if you worship material goods (or money, say), you’ll be crushed whenever they’re broken. Worship ideals, however, like Honesty, Truth, Love, or Honor, and you’ll be much more resolute.
  • It’s easy to build Gods, even accidentally. A friend gifted me an obsidian stone a few months ago. I jokingly began referring to it as “Birdbrain, creator of the universe.” After a while, I noticed I started treating the rock with more respect. I began keeping it safe. Watch out for what you worship, because it’s easy to worship the wrong things. In this case, a stone. Stones are easy to stop worshipping. Hedonism? Codependence? Those are tough worships to drop.