Keep It Light

To move someone, soothe them first. To soothe them, keep it light. 

I’ve coached multiple CEOs who flooded when stressed. Emotionally overwhelmed, they sought to soothe their emotions: stimming, drug use, escapism in video games, emotional escalation in unrelated areas.

I’ve since noticed this habit is common. It might even be universal.

Overwhelm is a feeling, not a logic. Most of the time, a police officer shouting, “Calm down!” only escalates the situation.

Meeting someone’s emotional problem with a logical solution generally prompts defensiveness. If you soothe the emotion, logic will follow.

While the platonic form of logic exists outside of emotion, individual human implementation of logic requires a particular emotional state. Just as a human body requires its internal temperature in a relatively narrow band to function harmoniously, so too does the human emotional system require a specific band. Too little stress and one languishes. Too much and one overloads.

If the problem is stress – too much or too little – the first move is treating the stress.

I honed this understanding when dating women in New York City. They were high-powered, hard-working, and overwhelmed by both the city and their activities. My first job – even before the first date – was emotional awareness: creating an environment in which I added no more stress. Clown school calls this “keeping it light”.

It works equally well with teenage boys (I formerly advised a youth group), friends or loved ones undergoing hormonal intensity, and counterparties in negotiations.

I don’t know what it is about me that has drawn me to help extremely stressed people. Maybe it feels familiar to me.

It’s also pretty fun.

Go ahead, give it a try.