This evening, I played a role-playing game. A family of 7 sits down to Thanksgiving dinner. Each character has a grievance for which they want a fellow player to apologize. I played a mother who simultaneously over-gives, wants table cohesion, and is needy. Things I learned:
- Over-giving and wanting validation (i.e. martyring oneself) is emotionally exhausting. These run against table cohesion, as they naturally lead to one being snippy.
- When one feels that one is the martyr, apologies/taking responsibility can come off as passive-aggressive (i.e. BE passive-aggressive), because it’s on top of an underlying fault that one is ignoring – i.e. that the martyrdom is itself a fundamental problem.
- In a tense situation where different people have strong grievances with each other, an authentic but minor apology can decrease the tension in the entire system.
- Not all games involve winning. In this case, the winning is the learning we made along the way.
- Role-playing is an excellent structure for learning.
