(Fourth in the Top Secret Games series, after Trader Joe’s, Airport, and Bathroom Line)
- If you need immediate assistance, press the “Nurse Call” button and yell “Explosive Diarrhea!”. Someone will come running. This one is especially helpful if you’re hooked up to wires. (This game was told to us by the nurse herself. Never used, but helpful to have in one’s back pocket.)
- If you’re in severe pain and your nurse hasn’t come by in ~2 hours, ring your “Nurse Call” button. The charge nurse will ask what you need. Stay silent. Someone will come immediately. (Also not actually used, but hypothesized to be quite effective.)
- X-ray tech will show you pictures if you’re cool. They also say you’re good to go to the local aquarium with a nasogastric tube.
- There is popcorn in the lobby. They do not have a port for nasogastric tubes. But they will laugh with you when you make the joke.
- If you’re short, children with cancer will think you’re a child and give you a half-wave acknowledgement. Facial swelling and a nasogastric tube might have helped here.
- The home health care people will set you up so you can buy a bunch of stuff. OR, if you ask, the nurse will just grab you the stuff anyway, seemingly for free.
Julian Wise 