To win, let the goalie fail. To let him fail, kick the ball at the damn goal.
If you play professional soccer and you miss a shootout penalty kick high or wide, you deserve to be shot.
Penalty kicks are important. In a tied game in the World Cup elimination stage, they determine the fate of your entire nation.
If you miss wide or high, you lose. Over. No opportunity to win. No ability for the goalie to make a mistake.
If you roll the ball toward the goal, one foot per second, as slow as a 4-year-old kicking with maximum power, you could win! The goalie could have a heart attack! Isn’t that great?
When I played middle school soccer, I played goalie. A remarkably low-skilled goalie, I might add. I still remember one moment from a game two decades ago. My team’s best player fouled the opposing team’s best player in the box, prompting a penalty kick. My coach caught my attention and gestured to me with his finger on his lip, pointing left. I immediately thought “I understand what you’re implying: I should go left. But our soccer skills are much worse than you think. Professional goalies choose a side and pray. Middle schoolers kick slow enough that we can choose after the kick.”
The opposing team’s star shot…
And he missed! He shanked it wide! I won! Purely by being there! Did I go left? Did I wait-and-see? Doesn’t matter! I won!
I was not a good soccer player. Don’t let people like me win. Today in the Australia vs Egypt World Cup game shootout, one of the Egyptian players kicked the ball straight down the middle… directly at the goalie… and it still went in! The goalie had chosen a side, and the ball came straight down the pipe! The guy who shot it – Egypt’s captain – even said afterwards, “If anyone was going to Panenka [chip a shot down the middle], it was going to be me!” Egypt won because Australia shot two penalty kicks high.
Shoot. Your. Penalty. Kicks. On. Goal!
Also, an unrelated suggestion: start every soccer game with 3 penalty kicks per side. Makes the game more interesting for one team to be up 2-1 when it starts.
And a non-serious suggestion: if the game ends tied, add a new ball every 10 minutes. Eventually, someone will score.
Julian Wise 