Tag: Family

Costs & Choices (Apr 3 2026)

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My contractor asked if we wanted nice lighting.
“Depends the alternative and the cost”. 

I’m somewhat surprised by his surprise at my answer.
Like.
Sure: of course I want nice lighting. If you ask me that question in a vacuum, the answer is definitely yes.
But that question is only meaningful if it has a comparison.
What is the other option for lighting?
What are the actual trade-offs?
Is “nice” lighting one million dollars, while “normal” lighting is a buck fifty seven? 

I keep running into this situation with contractors.
I hired this contractor due to their line items.
I decided not to get a recessed niche in my shower… 
due to that shower niche being ~$2k.
At $2k, we’ll put our shampoo on the windowsill. 

My contractor – and his designer – often find this approach confusing.
It’s not that I’m unwilling to spend money.
It’s that I can’t say “yes” to a thing without even a ballpark.
And that ballpark should come with a basic comparison.
Do people not do simple economic analyses when renovating a home?
Not even a super-deep preference list, but just a simple “This light costs $100. That light costs $200. Would I pay an additional $100 for that light?”
On plenty of parts, my preference ended up being cheaper. 

In working with my designer, we must train each other to work well together.
One part of that is the way he proposes options. 

I hired him for his opinion and skill.
I want his recommendation – not merely to view all the options and choose myself.
And I also want his tradeoffs: what are the traits that would lean you toward this over that, and what are the summaries of other reasonable options? 

I don’t know how other people choose their elements
but I can do the simple gut check of “Would I pay $375 for an additional power outlet there?” 
That’s the beauty of money: it’s a universal comparison.
The best things in life are priceless.
For everything else, it’s a clear unit.

The Glory of Gaps (Apr 1 2026)

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Sometimes nothing is everything 

Earlier today, I bought tickets to a play.
$5 per person for two tickets to an off-broadway show. 

At 5:10pm, I asked Partner, “Do we even want to go?”
Partner said yes. I agreed (ambivalently).
At 5:42pm, we arrived to the theater. A sign on the door stated tonight’s performance was cancelled due to “staff injury”. 

What a lucky occurrence!
Partner and I walked toward the sunset.
We split a pound of strawberries and listened to a spiel for a green energy provider.
Then we strolled up through the park til our bare shoulders felt cold
and hopped the subway back home to eat lentils. 

I ran 2.5 miles today at a 7:59min mile,
lifted heavy objects for the first time in forever,
and walked three or four miles. 

My body feels nice when it’s satisfiedly used.
Life is especially nice when the universe conspires in your favor. 

Charades with Cards (Mar 29 2026)

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In which Our Hero reflects on reflecting. 

My family has been playing a card game for the last week.
Every day up til midnight or 1 or 2am.

One element I like: Mainly playing the game; not too much discussion/reflection about the game.
It’s a game where the point is to learn how to communicate intricate information without language.
Language & clear behavioral conventions therefore ruin it.

The topic has come up: what analysis/discussion is desirable, and what is not? 

Here’s my opinion and reasoning: 

The key is the novelty of information: 

  • If someone does not know what a communication means, sharing its meaning is bad.
    • (The game is learning what communication means. Resolving that tension through clear information removes that learning.) 
  • If someone does know what a communication means but made a logical mistake, pointing out this mental flaw is acceptable, but not necessary.
    • (If they know that 3 minus 2 is 1 and 4 minus 3 is 1, but they accidentally make a move that implies 3 minus 2 is 0 while 4 minus 3 is 2, pointing that out after the game doesn’t chip away at the value of the game while it does improve their mechanics.) 

In short, if a statement would be new information to someone, don’t tell them. If it would be old news but they made a mistake, tell them. 

Assumptions: 

  • The game is about what I think the game is about. 
  • One can accurately determine with a high degree of accuracy what others know.
  • Even without others’ advice, each person can improve individually to a degree / with a speed that is satisfying for them 

And a final follow-up: 

  • The game might be even better with no reflecting afterwards.
    • Maybe even the “this person already knows this but just made a mistake” is just too difficult to separate from “this person actually doesn’t know this thing”.
      • (Theory of mind is hard! Something I think that you know may be completely unknown to you… or the way I communicate something to you might change your entire psychological paradigm about the game. If the whole point is the communicative tension, keeping tension might be… …. … good!) 
    • Maybe the game itself being slow to improve is part of what will make it interesting for my family for time to come. (Often we will run into walls where we play a game for a while as a family, then lose interest and move onto another game. If we keep this game minimally-discussed, does that elongate the duration we enjoy it?) 
    • Perhaps the only time to reflect and dissect is therefore when NOT reflecting/dissecting would be intolerable. Like if someone says “I’m not having fun any more because I’m no longer growing. Can you do something to kick me off of my local maximum?” 

This ends JuJu’s analysis of a silly, fun activity. 

A delightful denouement. (Mar 28 2026)

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The end of an enjoyable undertaking

My apartment in Étampes has been a delightful playing ground.
My father arrived 9 days ago,
My sister & beau-frère (brother-in-law) and nibling 6 days ago,
My mother 5 days ago. 

We had.
The best.
Time. 

We’re already talking about doing a weekly trip every year.
A different city?
Rent an AirBnB?
Amsterdam?
New Orleans?
Card games and good food?
Maybe nature… 

They’ve made a great family, my parents have.
Created an excellent culture of everyone getting along.
And when we don’t get along, tolerating.
And when we don’t tolerate, figuring it out. 

It’s not everyone who can pull together a whole disparate family
And all have a nice time over such a long period of time. 

Neutral ground was meaningful.
No habits for anyone.
It’s nice to visit someone in their natural habitat
But a new place is better. 

Perhaps next year I’ll also be the scout-ahead guinea-pig.
I could spend a few days settling in,
Then the family follows. 

Today, I helped my sister’s family to the airport,
drank two boba teas,
ate Paris’ best bahn mi,
and sat in the sun in the park for 3 hours. 

After dinner, we played cards
and are finally calling it an early night. 

It’s nice to have stayed up til 1 or 2 am every night,
because we just want to play one more hand of cards.
Not that the cards matter; 

it’s just nice to be in each other’s company. 

Forging the Foundation (Mar 25 2026)

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Measure twice, cut once. 

15 contractors interviewed, of which: 

  • 4 fired me on the first call when I wouldn’t tell them a budget. 
  • 2 submitted proposals without walkthroughs, of which:
    • One was way too high, with unreasonable structural terms that brought to mind the anger of a jilted lover. 
    • One was nondescript. (I guess that’s what you get when you don’t even do a walkthrough.) 
  • 9 visited for walkthroughs, of which:
    • 1 started as the leader of the pack; I then realized he was making me worry about the wrong things. 
    • 1 wears Carhartt to “dress the part”, but has no actual substance along with this appearance. 
    • 1 mis-estimated the size of my apartment by about 3x after looking at architectural drawings. 
    • 3 never sent proposals (lol!)
    • 1 came in so low as to seem scammy. They also call me every other day, even though I haven’t replied in weeks (lol.) 
    • 2 seemed reasonable, of which:
      • 1 failed to refer me to their recommended architect when I requested (and then stopped talking to me for reasons uncertain, but perhaps that I answered honestly his question “What are you thinking about our proposal?” with “You’re currently second place in my final three”.) 
      • 1 has nailed down scope and is finalizing contract terms.
        • UPDATE THREE HOURS LATER: WE HAVE SIGNED. I HAVE A CONTRACTOR. WOOHOO!!! 

I really don’t think I’m a problem client.
I wouldn’t mind working with me.
I would need to be clear about expectations and boundaries.
I would need to feel comfortable saying, “That’s a no from me, dawg.” 

But I’m not a blocker.
I care about quality and enabling my team to succeed.
And when I say I’ll do something, I do it. 

And in return, the contractor will receive: 

  1. Money. Lots of money.
    1. Incredulous question: How the hell do people buy renovations without negotiating scope or terms? Some of these were shocking:
      1. I saved at least 10% on the total cost by simply saying “this seems high” to a bunch of terms and he came down on them. 
      2. I saved at least 15% by simply saying “What is this thing?” and then saying “We don’t need it” when the price was higher than my value. Recessed shelf in shower for $2100? Nope. Stone step in front of shower for $500? Nope. If it ain’t functional, good chance I don’t want it. 
  2. Referrals. Multiple referrals.
    1. Because I vet my contractors and vendors aggressively, peers take my advice. My sister is about to renovate her apartment. Is she going to spend 5 months going from 15 to 9 to 3 to 1? Or will she trust that my analysis is worthwhile (and even just use my contract structure, which I went back-and-forth with him on four times, lol.) 
  3. Focus and edits and improvements, oh my!
    1. One part of my contractor’s contract had him proposing usurious terms in case of nonpayment. A quick google showed these as 1) non-enforceable, and 2) a criminal violation! Like very illegal!! A totally reasonable person might have let him keep those terms. But I told him how to improve them. And now he’ll probably fix his standard contract. That’s nice. 

My contractor search started in September. Today, it is March 26th. This may be the second biggest personal purchase I ever make (after the home itself). Shouldn’t I do it right? 

Co Op Corruption (Mar 25 2026)

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In which ugh you’re so annoying… … …. 

The property management company emailed me. URGENT, the subject line says. Leak in my line. Two floors down. From my apartment ??? !!! ??? !
They offered tomorrow. What times can I do?
Any time from 10:30am to 5pm.
Okay; the plumber will arrive between 9 and 11am. 

Wait, what?
I offered 10:30am to 5pm. That 6.5 hour span. You can’t just say a different time. 

My tone was clear, direct, and firm. I did not say, “What the fuck is wrong with you?” I did not say, “It’s unreasonable behavior like this that makes our apartment building want to fire you… which, by the way, is our third priority for this year.”
I told them no. I offered today instead. I also said that they could send their person tomorrow before 10:30am if he’s okay waiting in the hallway. 

This experience reminds me of the time they replied to my query email with a completely incomplete set of information. You know, the time I asked a very simple, reasonable question about sequencing A or B first, and their answer said, “IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO…” and then missed the actual meat. Like the sender accidentally deleted the email right before hitting send. 

Or the time they owed me two key fobs to my apartment building and told me they’d deliver them on Wednesday. But Wednesday came and went. So she promised me Monday. But Monday was a blizzard. So definitely this week. Except Friday came: no fobs. So the following Tuesday, when I called, she said, “They’re coming today”. 

Sure. It happened. So I guess that’s a win.
What’s not a win?
The two week delay. 

Shortly after moving in, I asked my building’s superintendent why the management company is so incompetent. He said they take kickbacks from the repair people they send out. 

Dispatch from the building’s shareholder meeting: everyone hates the management company. They orchestrated the fixing of the facade. No feasibility study was done ahead of time and it ended up costing $870k, which everyone was surprised by. $70k of it was the cost of scaffolding alone as the scaffolding was up for TWO YEARS.

Someone else complained that they received a bill from the management company for $300 for a painter they sent out. “They charged me $300 for a four foot painter! He couldn’t even paint nothing because he didn’t bring no ladder and he was four feet tall!”

There were probably 2-3 other complaints, including about dead door lock batteries (leading to inability to open the package room for 6 days), poor heat (they control the computer-controlled thermostat), and egregious fees, all targeted at the management company.

It’s time to fire! 😀

The Purpose of Purpose (Mar 23 2026)

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In which Our Hero lackadaisicals purposely  

Last week, in Central Park, a 2 year old boy told his mother “bus”, clearly indicating a desire to board.
His mother asked, “Where do you want to go?”
The boy did not answer, looking down to the side, clearly confused by the question.
It made about as much sense as asking someone where they’d like to go on a roller coaster.

Today, my 18 month old nephew rode the fast train to Paris. Looking out the window, he repeated, “Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!” Over and over. 

For babies, the process is the purpose. 

When does that change? 

In rural Arkansas, the focus is football. In urban areas, basketball instead.
When life is rough we prioritize the achievements to improve our lives.
When life is easy, we get to play. 

Now, when should we
Approach play with the intensity of necessity
Or
Approach intensity with the posture of play ? 

The most successful in sport
see the game as more important than it is. 

Is the same also true of the other direction?
The most successful CEOs have a simple stick. 

The times I’m most appealing to others
most attractive
most magnetic
Are the times when I am fully speeding ahead.
Moving aggressively or assertively in direction toward desired outcome.
enacting Purpose. 

Yet there is no joy
like a little boy
pointing at a cement mixer
only to be graced
by the kind construction workers
opening the valve
to release its steam. 

Baby’s First Croissant (Mar 22 2026)

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Deep in the woody French suburbs
where none of the English is spoke,
visits an almost-two nugget
whose uncle thinks he’s super dope. 

The two wandered round the old city
pointing to blues, reds, and greens
on to the park and the bak’ry
to find food that would satisfy their mien. 

His Opa! Is quite a jokester
having said “French cars <hoh hoh hoh>”
and now it is time for his gifting
of breading to stuff in his maw. 

The small and the friendly nugget
whose eyes widen big at a grape
after sampling small bits of croissant
says “more?” with his eyes both agape. 

No pain au chocolat as yet now
for sugar is not what he eats
but for the next week here near Paris
I reckon he’ll find bread a treat.

Retourner à France (Mar 19 2026)

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France, je t’aime. 

Je t’aime that the best eye surgeon performing the best eye surgery for my particular eye condition costs only 4700euros.
And that this surgery should get me glasses-free perfect vision until I get cataracts at age 70. (I may also need reading glasses; the surgery has no effect on that.) 

Je t’aime the delight of walking through Paris. Of selecting between a 32 minute subway ride or a 48 minute walk and choosing the walk… twice. 

Je t’aime that the pastry was not super good, but still was better than any pastries I get in The States. 

Je t’aime the sensation of going to a place that Is Mine. It’s My Apartment. I love that experience. It makes me want to acquire more real estate. 

(This apartment is not ownership but a furnished rental. Still, the concept stands: the freezer contains food I want; the bedroom is organized the way I left it; the smell when I enter is precisely the way I recall it.) 

Je t’aime traveling with my father. We both defer to the other’s judgment a bit too much when an improved answer would be expressing more preference, but that’s 1) minimal and 2) completely within my control to improve.

Je t’aime aussi que ma langue n’est pas parfait, mais j’ai parlé successfulment avec le chururgien et je vais demain fixer un date de chirurgie! 

It’s nice when exhausted travel days (I slept only 1.5hrs last night, all in an uncomfortable seat on an airplane) are still absolute delights 🙂 

Talking to Strangers (Mar 18 2026) 

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In which Our Hero makes a new friend

“Is this your pillow?” The well-groomed man from Galveston Texas holds out my pillow in offering. 

“Yes,” I say and take it. He sits down beside me, to my right, and immediately plugs his charger into our shared outlet. 

Three minutes later, I ask my father, “is that your light that’s pointing down at me?” 

My father says no. I illuminate my screen. The screen shows an advertisement, then another. The clock in the corner counts down from nearly 3 minutes. 

“Three minutes worth of ads?” I say to no one in particular. 

The light switches off. “It was my light,” says the well-groomed man from Galveston Texas. 

 “You heading to Paris for business or vacation?” I ask. 

“Neither. My wife’s father died.” 

“Recently?” 

“Today.” 

“Was it sudden?” 

“Very sudden. Heart attack.” 

You ever talk to someone and it’s especially smooth, like the caramel inside of a Lindt chocolate truffle oozing slowly out of its shell. If I liked men and he weren’t married and I weren’t engaged… 

Harrison is an interior designer. Not an architect (that’s the requirement to be a floor plan submitter in New York), but he works with a lot of architects. He draws the plans for them to submit. 

I check the specifics. “If I showed you a bathroom and said ‘is that a prototype?’, you’d be able to spot it in your sleep?” 

“Pretty much.” 

“Feel free to say no. Can I ask you a couple questions?” 

He agrees. I pull up my floorplan. “I got these three bathrooms. This left one is accessible. And the right ones: one of the doorways is 28 inches, the other 24 inches, and one of them opens up off the kitchen.” 

“You’ll be fine,” Harrison says. “I wouldn’t worry about it.” 

“But bathrooms need to have doorways 32 inches clear.” 

“It’ll probably get through. You have the accessible one over there.” 

“That’s not code.” 

“I know. But they’re [the examiners are] reasonable. And the bathroom off the kitchen: I’ve never seen it enforced.” 

“That’s one thing I’ve loved about New York City: the rules are only rules if you’re also bothering other people. If you aren’t affecting anyone, people generally let you alone.” 

Harrison laughs. “And even if they don’t, you can always draw 32 inch doors and then just install smaller ones. We’ve been working for five years with a building that requires 34 inch doors. We’ve never installed a single one.” 

Thank you, Harrison. 

Yes, that is my pillow. 

Thank you for helping me sleep easier.