I’m not yet the person
I need to be
To have a good partner, because
I’m not yet the person
I need to be
To be a good partner.
Tag: Love
Independently Dependent
Hello Loyal Readers!
I come to you with an exciting creation. It’s written by my friend Jocelyn Simms, who wished to remain anonymous. Let me know your thoughts – either through the comments here or by shooting me an email.
Cheers,
Julian
P.s. If you want to publish something on my blog (either under your own name or under Jocelyn’s), reach out: Julian.w.wise@gmail.com . I have dozens of loyal readers and the coveted #1 page-rank on Google for people who search “Julian Wise comedy cooking humor punctuation grammar blog”. What a reach!
Independently Dependent
It’s not easy to admit that I’m waiting for love. It sounds like the stupidest, corniest thing to say. But it’s true. I want to be in love. I want to feel the way I do when I listen to Ben Folds’ The Luckiest. I want to feel swept off my feet, full of butterflies and fireworks. I want to feel the ease and comfort of knowing I have a person who is in it for the long haul. I wouldn’t say I want to be a wife. I would say I want to be a partner.
When I was younger, I didn’t concern myself with love. “Falling in love” and “meeting the one” were rites of passage. They would happen when I was older.
When I hit high school, I wanted a taste. Just a taste. I knew my relationships wouldn’t last forever, but I thought being young and in love was a rite of passage too. Everyone gets to experience it. It’s tragic if you don’t. It’s like you did something wrong, held yourself back, or failed to make some sort of effort. I can’t think of a single highschool movie without a love story. But it doesn’t work that way for most of us. At least it didn’t work that way for me.
Some of the happiest times in my life have come from convincing myself I was finally part of a partnership. Freshman year with ______ was easy. Junior spring with ______ felt magical. My favorite parts of college were when I filled this gap in my soul with a guy and a creative project. _____ and I got his band on national television. ______ and I revolutionized undergraduate art. _____ and I produced a film viewed by thousands. I loved those guys, I loved those projects, and I loved those teams with everything I had. They may not have been romantic, but these were fucking partnerships. We were in it to win it, together, to the very end. And those endings were always tough for me. I cried when ______ moved. I fought for a closer friendship with _____ so I wouldn’t feel the emptiness between projects. I held hands with _____ and cried outside his dorm when we graduated. I knew it’d never be the same.
For most of my life I’ve followed my mom’s advice. Focus on school; you don’t have time for boys. That will be later. My innocent highschool relationships and creative teams gave me enough to hold me over. But I long for that intimacy. That trust. That depth. That sense of belonging with another person. I know it won’t be easy. I know there will be rises and falls. But I feel like I was made to be a partner. Half of a dynamic duo. Maybe it’s just my clock ticking, but as I get older that gap seems to widen and deepen and it feels more and more impossible to fill. And as that happens I become even more desperate to fill it.
Sometimes I wonder about the received wisdom that everyone has a soul mate… it’s just that some soul mates have already left Earth. Maybe their life was tragically cut short. Maybe they’re still around but life threw them off course. Or maybe some people end up alone, never finding a partner, because that wisdom is wrong and their partner never existed.
Being part of a team is the one thing I can’t do by myself. That scares me. And learning how to live alone feels like I’m giving up. It feels like living a shadow of my life. And the older I get, the more I feel like I’m running out of time. I worry that jetting off on a romantic weekend getaway just won’t be the same in my 30s. People won’t be as forgiving of us making out in the rain in the middle of the street or trespassing on the beach in the middle of the night. We should know better. There are still so many things I want to do while I’m young and dumb and in love.
Isn’t it sad? Isn’t it pathetic? That I so desperately want to fall in love. And all of the incredible friendships I have. The loving family I’m part of. The incredible education I have and expansive career possibilities. They just aren’t enough. Isn’t that selfish? Disrespectful? Immature?
As much as we pretend we can get rid of these feelings, they still linger for some of us. And that’s okay. It’s possible to live full and happy lives on our own. But it’s also okay to want to be in love. I’m coming to terms with it. It doesn’t make me weak. It doesn’t make me less independent. It just makes me human. We all have wants, needs, and desires. We all feel a sense of purpose driving us to become who we want to be. Among many other things, I want to be a partner. I hope that it can be a reality. I really want it to happen soon.
Traveloog Friday 191101 (Redacted Version)
Start: [Redacted], New Orleans, Louisiana.
End: [Redacted], New Orleans, Louisiana.
Exciting Events:
- [Redacted] gave me $2 as backpay for [redacted] favors. Hilarious.
- Made [redacted] by snapping my fingers.
- Dinner with [redacted], wherein we discussed books and ideas and art. I like her.
- Cuddled with [redacted] for a long while. Watched her cook dinner, too. Both very intimate.
- Lots of [redacted]! Great. YAY!
Real Realizations:
- [Redacted] is not withholding. She does the thing she wants to do irrespective of what someone else wants. That’s self-driven and irrespective of someone else’s desires, but it’s not withholding.
- The feeling of something being meaningful is just that—a feeling—and could be wrong.
Quotent Quotables:
- [Redacted] talking with me:
- “How late are you staying up? I casually need one or two more shots.”
- “What?! You alcoholic!”
- “Of photos!
- The feeling of something being meaningful is just that—a feeling—and could be wrong. E.g. “When I nerd out about something for hours and hours, it’s not necessarily because it’s the most important thing in the world. It’s because I get pleasure out of the feeling of nerding out.” -[Redacted]
- “Sometimes I feel like life is just a series of obligations that repeat every day.” -me
- “I hate being organized when I don’t remember where I organized things.”-[redacted]
Commonplace occurrences:
- [Redacted] work. 37 mins, nothing happened, [redacted].
- Completed my daily writing.
- Completed my travelog.
Delicious Delectables:
- Boudin balls at Buffa’s. Delicious!
Alluring Activities:
- Sleeping well! In bed to sleep before 1am.
Travelog Wednesday 191030 (Redacted Version)
Start: Parked outside the New Orleans African American Museum, Governor Nicholl’s Street, New Orleans, Louisiana
End: Parked outside [redacted], New Orleans, Louisiana.
Real Realizations:
- Everyone’s self-conscious about something vis-à-vis their sex life.
Quotent Quotables:
- “Sir, sir,” the older woman behind me in Walmart says. “Yes?” I reply, removing a headphone. “You have nice looking legs.” “Thanks, I appreciate that,” I say and then feel incredibly uncomfortable.
- “You can sweat on the inside, just don’t sweat on the outside.” -[Redacted].
- “You’re interesting, in a challenging way.” -[Redacted].
Exciting Events:
- Call with [redacted] to reorganize his working life.
- Call with [redacted] for fun.
- First [redacted]. With [redacted].
- [Redacted] with both [redacted].
- Gave [redacted] while [redacted].
- Playfighting / [redacted] with [redacted].
- [Redacted]’s stories:
- Stealing $1,100 from a movie theater by dropping the $100 bills into a big gulp cup.
- Smuggling drugs into prison as a guard.
- Stopping 3 kids from stealing his car stereo & dodging a bullet in the process.
- Awake till 5am for the third time in New Orleans. It was 6am, this time.
Commonplace occurrences:
- Showered at Planet Fitness.
- Bought steaks from Walmart.
Disappointing doldrums:
- The death ritual. Well structured, good concept; lacking in execution &/or details.
Delicious Delectables:
- First muffaletta! Yum.
- The stew that [redacted] made. That chick can cook!
Alluring Activities:
- Nap tomorrow?!?!
- Rocky Horror tomorrow?!?!
- More [redacted] with these great people?!?!
Travel Log 191021 (Redacted Version)
Start: [Redacted], Pflugerville, TX
End: [Redacted], Pflugerville, TX
Delicious Delectables:
- Ate 4 cans of Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup.
- Ate a handful of Lindor Lindt White Chocolate Truffles.
- Sous vided steak for David & Stephanie. Muy delicioso!
Quotent Quotables:
- [NAUGHT!]
Real Realizations:
- Didn’t go farther than 0.5 miles from the house today. Drank red wine.
- Both contribute to my sadness this evening.
- [Redacted] got steak lodged in his esophagus. That’s 3 major dangerous events in my life involving people eating too large pieces of steak. Clearly it fucking happens. CUT YOUR STEAK SMALL, PEOPLE!
Exciting Events:
- Renegotiated the [redacted] deal. Now get [redacted] & the equivalent of [redacted] in equity. Feel fine about it.
- Worked on [redacted] for 2.25 hours.
- Completed an [redacted] chapter & sent it back.
- Defeated level 7 in Hogwarts Battle. KILLIN’ IT!
Alluring Activities:
- Halloween in New Orleans!
- [Redacted]’s birthday party in St Louis. Should be OFF THE HIZZOUSE.
- Writing a response letter to [redacted]. I miss her.
Travel Log 191019 (Redacted Version)
Start: [Redacted], Austin TX.
End: [Redacted], Pflugerville, TX
Delicious Delectables:
- Bought 10 cans of Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup. Ate 4 today, cold, straight out of the can.
- Domino’s Pizza for dinner.
Quotent Quotables:
- “I think everyone’s more of a jerk when they’re sick. If you’re a genuinely good person when you’re sick, then there’s something wrong with you.” -[redacted]
Real Realizations:
- Having a place to use as home base matters.
- Living in a temperature-controlled house matters.
Exciting Events:
- Made [redacted] for the first time in ~6 months. He doesn’t typically [redacted], esp not [redacted].
- [Redacted]
- Woke up with a sore throat. Wasn’t sure if it was illness or just tired muscles from too much [redacted].
- Negotiated [redacted] with [redacted]. [Redacted].
- Played Hogwarts Battle with [redacted]. Fun game. I like co-ops.
Alluring Activities:
- A relaxing day tomorrow.
Travel Log 191018 (Redacted Version)
Start: [Redacted]’s house, South Austin, TX
End: [Redacted]’s [redacted], [redacted], Austin TX.
Delicious Delectables:
- Sous vided two steaks for [redacted] and myself; seared it at the end. Was DELISH.
Quotent Quotables:
- “I can’t even spell API.” – Me, making a joke after someone asks if I can help them get an API key.
- “Your bathroom does a great job of making people uncomfortable while they pee.” -Me, to [redacted].
Real Realizations:
- While scritching & belly-rubbing Simba ([redacted]’s cat) and sitting between him & Smidge, the feeling that I’m precisely where I’m supposed to be.
Exciting Events:
- [Redacted] with [redacted]. [Redacted] fun. She [redacted]. Feels like I won.
- [Redacted]. I don’t mind, hey 🙂
- Worked on [redacted] for 2+ hours. Tried to get in touch with [redacted], presumably to discuss [redacted].
- Decided my strategy in that conversation:
- 1. [Redacted]. Ask if we can re-approach [redacted] in the next quarter [redacted].
- 2. [Redacted] in a graduated fashion. [Redacted].
- 3. [Redacted]
- Decided my strategy in that conversation:
- Cuddled with [redacted]. It gave me the feels.
- Probably the first time someone’s asked me. “Can I kiss you?”. It was ADORABLE. Really cute. Loved it.
- Kissed [redacted] back, our second time. Felt too much, like [redacted] felt uncomfortable being not-in-control. If we kiss again, I’ll make sure [redacted] feels safe.
Alluring Activities:
- Yard sale tomorrow? I LOVE yard sales!
Travel Log 191016 (Redacted Version)
Start: Outside E Bar Tex-Mex Restaurant, Dallas, TX
End: Guest Room in [redacted]’s house, Austin, TX
Delicious Delectables:
- Shared my moscato with [redacted].
Real Realizations:
- Sex with complicated people is, well, complicated.
- You can live like a king in the outskirts of Austin (two-story house, 4 bedrooms, hot tub with a projector) for the same price as a solo studio apartment in San Francisco.
Exciting Events:
- Walked Smidge through Dallas. Got lost, got directions from a helpful guy outside a convenience store.
- Hot tubbed with [redacted].
- Arrived to Austin.
- Called the three groups I want to meet in Austin:
- [Redacted]
- [Redacted]
- [Redacted]
- Called dad, told him about the burn and that I plan to [redacted]. He said, “be safe, whatever that means.”
- Called [redacted], told her stories about the burn.
- Spoke with [redacted] about his relationships & his life.
- Called [redacted]; she’s [redacted], not super happy with her life.
Alluring Activities:
- [Redacted] tomorrow?
The Fiercest Chihuahua You’ve Ever Met
In this corner, at five-pound-four and thirty inches long, she’s the fiercest chihuahua you’ve ever met. She defends her food with the courage of a Rottweiler. She’s a fierce mama bear with six gnawed nipples to prove it. She marks giants’ territory as her own and likes her scritches… ruff.
Ladies and Gentlemen…
The one and only…
Smidge
Want more Smidge? Comment with a request.
You Little Pisser!
My dog peed on my bed. Twice. Once was after our first vet visit. I didn’t immediately take her to pee. That’s obviously stressful for a dog. I take the blame. The second was tonight, after I returned from a therapy appointment. She waited to pee until I returned. Good doggy. I drove to Walgreens to buy nailclippers, before finding us a parking spot and carrying her to my bed. That’s when she peed.
Did she whimper at me just after I parked? Did she struggle when I carried her to the bed? Was she indicating her pee-ful-ness? In short, is it my fault?
It must be. Or, at least, my responsibility. When did she last pee? Around 7pm. It’s now 11. Is that too long? How long between pees? How does dog pee work? Halp me google: HOW WORK DOG PEE?
We haven’t established pee-based communication. I don’t have a solid read on her piddle-timing. I lack a feel for her whimpers.
Experts say to avoid punishing dogs. Reward desirable behaviors; punishments don’t help. I shall implement this. It’s nice to know the ethics and psychology align.
I would more effectively learn to take her outside if she rewarded me when I succeeded–via a treat of some kind, say–instead of punishing me–via bed pees–when I don’t.
(Post-script addendum: It’s now nearly 1am. I’m so glad to have a cuddlebuddy. All is forgiven. We’ll do better next time.)
Julian Wise 