Tag: Food

Burrata & Salami on Lap

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Ingredients:

  • Burrata
  • Salami (sliced)
  • A second salami (unsliced)
  • Gluttonous attitude

Preparation Instructions:

  1. Stop at a grocery store en route to the gym.
  2. Find the burrata cheese.
  3. Consider buying two burratas.
  4. Notice there’s a sale.Buy three, and tack on a package of salami for good measure. IMG_7054

Consumption instructions:

  1. When opening the burrata, be careful not to spill any of the salt water. (This will be important later.)
  2. Open the package of salami.
  3. Slice off bits of the burrata using the plastic fork.
  4. Add burrata to salami and consume.
  5. Retrieve from your fridge the rosemary salami you recently purchased at a farmer’s market.
  6. Slice off bits of the salami with a knife.
  7. Add burrata to salami and consume.
  8. When the burrata is gone, drink the milky salt watery goodness. (I told you it would be important).
  9. Use a fork to remove the small delicious curds from the bottom of the bowl.
  10. Eat a second burrata, because you lifted weights today.
  11. Be glad you purchased three.
A morsel of delight.
Salty milky goodness.
Curds of joy.
Salty milky goodness.
Curds of joy.

Did you enjoy this post? Want me to consume a specific food? Comment on this article so I know what you want me to write.  

Yo BTB! (Bearded Tomato Bisque) 

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Ingredients:
  • 7 tins Yogurt, in any flavor (Note: individually-wrapped tins of cottage cheese are also acceptable, but only if they have fruit on the bottom. For this meal, I used 4 yogurt, 3 cottage cheese.)
  • 1 can Campbell’s® Tomato Bisque
Instructions:
  1. Grow a beard.
  2. Eat 6 Yogurts.
  3. Remove lid from the Campbell’s® Tomato Bisque.
  4. Sip half the Campbell’s® Tomato Bisque.
  5. Eat the final Yogurt.
  6. Sip the rest of the Bisque.
  7. Fall asleep in your van.
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Introducing my joke-cookbook

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I’m making a cookbook. It’s called “Real Recipes, Real Author, Fake Chef.” This is the first entry:

 

Dinner: Couldn’t Afford the Expensive Cow.

Ingredients:

  • 1 lb of the ground beef once you learn that the steak is $30/lb
  • Last week’s kale
  • Bertolli Alfredo sauce
  • 2 TB Kerrygold butter

 

Instructions:

  1. Turn on the stove.
  2. Dump in half the ground beef. When you can’t find a Tupperware, just tell yourself you’ll finish it soon and put the rest straight in the fridge.
  3. Add butter. You should have done this earlier.
  4. Dump in kale.
  5. Using a spatula, smash all the ingredients together.
  6. Once the beef is brown, transfer to a bowl.
  7. Notice you haven’t washed the pan in a week. Grumble that it’s cast iron, so probably requires some weird cleaning steps.
  8. Wash the pan anyway. Look at you – so clean!
  9. Drizzle the remainder of the Alfredo sauce from the fridge.
  10. Enjoy!

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One, Two Pizzas

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Why did you buy two pizza pies?

You’re only one man, and you have thighs

That will grow fatter

If you eat all that batter.

“They were deep dish,

Which makes me its bitch

When combined with the heaven

Of ‘second pie costs $7.'”

Well, that explains

Your stretched-tummy pains.

Now go and count sheep

You should be asleep.

“I would be! I would!

But it’s hard to be good.

After crunching all week,

I feel so… uh, weak.”

That I can see!

It’s going to be

A much-needed weekend

Spent with a friend.

Fasting isn’t difficult, but it is trying. 

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(Context: I haven’t eaten food in the last 72 hours.)

Fasting isn’t difficult, but it is trying:

  • It’s trying to get something to eat and then not.
  • It’s trying and failing to fill the void inside you that food usually patches over.
  • It’s trying to slow down and succeeding and enjoying that success.
  • It’s trying to speak French with the Uber driver from Ethiopia and not minding the embarrassment when he sticks to English.
  • It’s dancing with the devil and winning for a step or two.
  • It’s trying to wrench up gunk from within your soul but, digging deep, not even finding a soul.
  • It’s trying to find God in the man with the megaphone and instead just achieving an intense, god-like focus.
  • It’s molding yourself like a wet ball of clay.
  • It’s trying to define a self while also trying to change it.
  • It’s trying—and succeeding—to sleep peacefully, because nothing else matters when you’re hungry.