Life – Page 3 – Julian Wise

Clown School Break Day 46: Trivia ain’t Trivial

January 6, 2026 JulianLeave a comment

In which Our Hero leads a team to victory!

My team won at trivia. Thirty percent of trivia is assembling the right team. Thirty percent of trivia is knowing the right answers. Thirty percent of trivia is accurately knowing your knowledge. And the last thirty percent is knowing how to give 120%.

In the team-assembling category, my team excels at movies, science, games, literature, and mythology. We are weak at sports. This week, there was only one sports question rather than an entire sports section. That’s lucky.

In knowing the right answers, we performed strong. We missed only 6 of the 22 questions. While that might sound like a lot (it’s almost a third!), our big advantage is in the next point…

We know what we know. When one of my teammates says “I know this one”, we bet hard. Today’s trivia involves a point-wagering system: for each round of three questions, you assign one a small number of points, one a medium number, and one a large number. You submit your point wager when you submit the question, before you know what all the questions in the round are. So a team that gets only one third of the answers right can equal a team that gets two thirds of the answers right, so long as the first team assigns points correctly and the second does not.

And then there’s knowing how to give 120%. When we know the answer is “Mississippi mud [something]” and my team is waffling between Mississippi mudslide and Mississippi mud pie, Your Humble Narrator (in his acting role as Team Captain) submits the answer as “Mississippi mud (pie)”. Ergo, when the answer is revealed to be Mississippi mud *cake*, Our Hero’s team receives the point. (Deservedly? That’s not mine to judge; I’m just here to get points.) This gamesmanship also manifested in Your Hero’s tracking of the points (so as to note that we were shorted 2 points in the theme round, and then get those reinstated).

And I guess one final part: uniting people to a purpose. Trivia is not important. We’re fighting for a $30 giftcard when our table is spending twice that. This doesn’t matter.

But it’s fun to try.

Clown School Break Day 43: Patina (Guestpost)

January 3, 2026 JulianLeave a comment

In which Our Hero shares a guest post with a beautiful finish.

My partner wrote this personal essay yesterday. She insists it’s about countertops. I sense a clown-like metaphor.

–

I’ve been learning about kitchen counters. I’m redoing the kitchen in the home I plan to raise my kids in.

I enjoy cooking. I grew up with a butcher block kitchen island. The wood is soft, warm, and inviting. I haven’t gotten that feeling from granite; tile’s got awful groutlines to clean, and fake stone looks fake. The wood does require some babying. If you place a hot pan on it, it might scorch. It’s also liable to stain and isn’t really germ-safe if you don’t maintain it – bacteria from meat can multiply in the wood if it’s not sealed well.

Soapstone feels more idiot proof. The stone is soft, warm, and inviting. Chemistry labs use it since you can actually light it on fire with no ill effects. I’ve done it – accidentally. It doesn’t stain or etch and is too solid for germs to permeate. It does, however, scratch and dent. I was worried this would stress me out.

People call this wear a “patina.” Think of the way a leather wallet ages. There’s a darkening around the spot you keep your cards. There are a few lighter scratches from altercations with your keys.

The patina is only visual. It doesn’t affect the functionality.

I think unintentional staining of a butcher block countertop could be considered a patina, but it indicates that the surface isn’t sealed properly and may invite germs. That’s indicative of functionality. But, honestly, I don’t put raw meat straight on the counter anyway.

I’ve been trying to figure out which things matter and which don’t. Before you try to hyperoptimize a process, be sure you’re actually optimizing for the thing you care about and not a correlate. Most things might actually be patina.

I remember making a crepe cake with my sister a decade ago – layers of crepes and whipped cream. She wasn’t layering the cream on evenly, so the cake wasn’t going to be even. I got mad at her for messing it up. Honestly, no one was going to care that the cake wasn’t perfectly level. People enjoyed it just the same.

My partner has started cooking with me. I love it. It’s a great way to spend time together – a collaborative craft that ends with something tasty – if I don’t hold too tightly to perfection. He doesn’t chop the carrots to all exactly the same size. The stew’s still been delectable; the chopping: half the duration of doing it alone; the company: impeccable.

Some parts don’t matter. Some parts do.

When we made carbonara, he was afraid of the bacon grease. I told him the splatters would sting, but were unlikely to create a large enough burn that would matter. It might hurt, but you won’t notice the next day. I expressed appropriate caution and reverence for handling the pasta pot full of burning water: that could fuck up the rest of your life.

I’m trying to get better at separating functionality from patina. The parts that matter from the parts that don’t.

I got my braces off recently. They gave me an invisalign retainers. I take them out when I eat. For a while I wouldn’t put them back in until after I brushed my teeth. I was great about this for three days, then lazy and would just not put them back in. I didn’t want to get tartar on them. I wore them less. I could see that my bottom teeth were shifting. Keeping my teeth in place is more important than keeping my invisalign clean. I’m now wearing them more.

My one-year-old niece has gotten into stickers. It’s adorable to watch her pick them out, peel them off, and choose who to give them to. I’ve got a few favorites on my phone case. They remind me of her and make me smile. I forgot one on a shirt recently. Some combination of the washer and dryer have embedded the adhesive to the shirt. Now it permanently reminds me of her.

I’m learning to enjoy the patina.

I’m interested in learning to visibly mend clothing. To make the holes and mistakes into something fun and creative. To make the whole piece beautiful.

I’d like my kids to ding up the counter as we learn to cook together. To make a patina of memories. I want them to make mistakes. Scratch the counters. Learn and improve.

If we need to sell the place, we can always sand down the counters so the new owners can start over. No permanent damage. No limitations in functionality. Patina.

Clown School Break Day 39: Likeability

December 30, 2025 JulianLeave a comment

In which Our Hero, like, likes likability?

I was speaking earlier today with a friend who is a very polarizing figure. I am also a polarizing figure, but much less than him. He is often right, but also often disliked. The sort of person who is correct about the mismanaging of funds in an organization, but when he raises this to general public awareness, ends up somehow getting kicked out of the organization.

This friend also has described me as “a bit of a people-pleaser”. (Which is amusing because most people would not describe me that way.)

Clowning is about being liked. Clowns are lowest common denominator performers. They find pleasure and share pleasure in a mass-market, pre-language, pre-thought way.

Clowns are excellent at a specific veneer. Not a substance, but a manner. Pleasure, joy: these are good things. But they’re not everything. Clowns (and actors in general) are emotional salespeople. Models are to fashion as clowns are to pleasure as actors are to emotions.

I respect clowns and actors (and I also respect salespeople). But being a clown or an actor is completely unrelated (and sometimes antithetical) to many other virtues. For example, clowns are anti-intellectual. Clever jokes – at least at this school – are undesired.

Perhaps pleasure is just the first step. Acting/performing might begin with finding your pleasure and sharing your pleasure with the audience, but it’s not the end. The end includes having a message or somesuch.

I think this particular school is teaching a valuable skill. I also think that the implementation of it in its purest form – through clowning or through acting – doesn’t appeal to me. I’d rather have valuable things to share, not just share them well.

Clown School Break Day 37: Social Place

December 28, 2025 JulianLeave a comment

In which Our Hero remains visible without belonging.

Let’s talk about social place.

In 2018, I bought a van. My most formative non-familial relationship was ending, and I was on a personal journey.

I spent seven years seeking my place. Living in a van, driving around. My place had been shattered, my foundation upended. I sought the right group of people, the right social place.

I found the regional Burning Man community. Not the community at the big Burning Man festival itself, but the smaller independent organizations that circle the same principles. I found, perhaps for the first time, a community that accepted me and to which I wanted to contribute. I made art that touched people’s lives. Some of them still speak about it, 5+ years later.

I moved to New York City in search of a partner. Nearing 30, with my friends all partnering and beginning to spawn, my situation became one of “Is this a part of life you want to have? Because you can seek it later… but it’s much easier if you try now.” One woman broke my heart. I flew to Australia to write a play. Returning to New York a year later, I met my now-partner. Our first date was 11 days long. For our second date, we drove across the country together. She sublet her apartment, and joined me in nomadicness for the last 2 years.

I wonder sometimes about social place. I occupy an unusual position. Enough of a dilettante in most areas to be able to hold my own. Friendly and affable, generally found to be helpful, but without roots.

For most of my childhood, I had a single dedicated friend. Schoolwork was trivial; most of my fellow students I found uninteresting. I’ve left each major experience with some dedicated friends. And a host of pleasant acquaintances, too.

I’ve never really been a group guy. I have the sort of preference: “Instead of camping with your Burning Man group, how about I camp next to you and we hang out every day?”

If part of life is finding who you are and doing it on purpose,

at some point it’s worth accepting that I’ve never found a group to be home.

And probably never will.

Perhaps my belonging is episodic, relational, and lateral (not collective).

Still, sometimes it feels lonely.

Clown School Break Day 36: Empty Spaces

December 27, 2025 JulianLeave a comment

In which emptiness permeates Our Hero.

Today I drove in silence. My partner in the passenger seat, surrounded by calm empty space.

Usually I drive with music or a podcast. This drive was 3.5 hours.

For the first two hours, just being.

Once in a while adding a comment. Saying something. Mostly quiet.

It was nice.

—

It reminded me of some time spent on stage. The increased comfort that comes from increased experience. The greater ease that comes from an acceptance of emptiness.

I’m reminded of the idea variously attributed to Miles Davis and other musical greats: playing the spaces between the notes.

It’s pleasant to play the spaces between the notes.

It’s even more enjoyable to let the spaces between the notes play.

And then

To level up

To the notes themselves playing

And you simply helping

😌

Clown School Break Day 31: To Universal Acclaim

December 22, 2025 JulianLeave a comment

In which Our Hero smiles at the received positivity.

A friend of my father’s recommended a game today. She reads my daily blog and, since she knows my love for poker and my interest in cooperative games, she linked over a cooperative poker game. Today my family played it. We had a blast. A new favorite. One for the ages. Such glee.

We sent her a video indicating our excitement. She’s glad we’re glad. We’re glad she’s glad. She’s glad that we’re glad that she’s glad. Etc.

I’m glad my daily blog is having such positive impact. With dozens of daily readers, I’m clearly having a positive impact. And the fact that I’ve received recently a bunch of unexpected positive feedback suggests I’m doing something right. I’m also glad that I have people around me who would tell me honestly if they thought something negative about it. But they don’t, so everyone must like it.

—

It’s a game about accurately ranking your poker hands compared to the other players’ hands. You win or lose as a team: either your whole ranking is accurate or it’s not. Play is simple: you rank preflop, then on the flop, turn, and river. Only the river rankings matter: if they’re correct, you all win. If they’re not, you all lose.

A few lessons:

It’s hard to navigate small discrepancies. 8,7 vs 8,6 is nearly impossible to distinguish if no 7 or 6 comes on the board.
Personal proclivities abound. One person’s confident grab of the top rank preflop means only pocket tens or better, while another’s may be Ace-9.
Have fun. This means A) When a conflict arises, diagnose it accurately (was the problem really on the river, or did this stem from preflop?); and B) when you feel uncomfortable, say “I feel uncomfortable”. It’s shocking how well people respond when you simply say “I feel uncomfortable”.

—

I’ve been writing a daily blog about clown school. I suspect (but don’t know) that plenty of my peers read this blog. As yet, no one has said “I feel uncomfortable”. That’s nice. Guess I’ll continue 🙂

Clown School Break Day 29: On Moving Holidays

December 20, 2025 JulianLeave a comment

In which Our Hero experiments with time.

My family moves holidays.

By moving them, we get more time together. And the ability to do more Christmases with others. (This year, I’m doing one Christmas with my family and then three with my partner’s.)

The official Christmas – or “consensus Christmas,” as I call it – is arbitrarily chosen anyway. Orthodox Christmas is in January; Jesus’ actual birthday is unknown; and Dec 25 was chosen in the 4th century. So we slide things around.

Today was family Christmas Day 1. I received two clownish gifts.

One was from my gluten-free brother-in-law: a large, baguette-shaped pillow.

[In a French accent: “honh honh honh”]

The second was a sign saying “Beware of Clowns.” It’s visually akin to a normal “Beware of Dog” sign.

Teeheehee.

Musing on this relationship with time, I wonder how much it’s shared by clowns. They’re an immediate lot, making plans for now and changing them when the wind blows. The school allows for drop-ins and drop-outs as desired. You can come for a year. Or for one course. Or leave and return next year. Or the year after. And you definitely can’t take the second year clown course until after you’ve taken the foundational Le Jeu course. Or at the same time: that’s fine too.

This is a game with time and convention.

Most people have never considered moving a holiday. “Christmas is on December 25th”, they might say. And they’re right. But they’re only right because people decided they’re right. And social constructs are fertile ground for games.

It’s also an act of engineering. We found a problem: many demands on the same time. So instead of moving our bodies (see the movie “Four Christmases,” where a couple tries to do all four divorced-family Christmases in one day), we move the holiday.

Clowning and systems engineering are shockingly similar. One is attempting to achieve a system result; the other an emotional one. But the method is the same: find what’s out of balance and adjust it until the whole thing works.

It’s nice to play with social temporal agreements. But it’s nice because the people I care about agree with it, and all play in similar ways.

There are also times when I think something’s a game and someone else thinks it’s absolutely not a game. Those times are no fun at all. 🤡

Clown School Break Day 27: Beards and Bouffons

December 18, 2025 JulianLeave a comment

In which Our Hero chuckles at a mistranslation, then engages with the point itself.

The question was posed earlier today: “How much of your feeling of lack of social fitting at clown school comes from your grooming, or lack thereof?”

A fair question.

I last shaved my face in October. I last cut my hair in 2021.

(To be concrete: at clown school, I showered daily, wore deodorant, and washed my clothes weekly. This topic is about aesthetics, not hygiene.)

I’ve never grown facial hair before. It was always patchy. Now, since July, returning to my endogenous testosterone production with a little bit of external boosting via a doctor-prescribed chemical called Clomid (a 10/10 experience, but a different story), I have finally been able to grow a beard. It’s nice. My partner enjoys the softness. I enjoy the newness and the exploration (and the scritches).

And then, on the hair front, it’s long. Sometimes (3 or 4 times in the last 4 years) I get it treated at a salon to make it simple and easy to manage. Others, I wear hats or put it in a ponytail.

I’ve heard I have split ends. I don’t care.

So:

Do clowns?

The first answer is: probably. Clowns are an immediacy-focused group. One that cares about emotional presence and current experience. They also therefore care about appearance and presentation. And they should: performers are perceived based on their appearance. A comedian who either gains or loses a lot of weight will need to adjust their behavior and performance based on their new perception. (For a biting and sad example, see either this article about Chris Farley or how many Chris Farley bits involve his size.)

So yes, my grooming has probably had an impact.

I mentioned something like this to my interlocutor, to which they replied: “Not because you don’t look good, but because you look like you aren’t taking care of yourself.”

This comment seems worthy of analysis.

Like.

I am taking care of myself.

I’m just not doing things with my body that you (the collective “you”) want me to.

“Not taking care of yourself” is often a polite mistranslation for something else. What it usually means is: you are emitting social signals I don’t enjoy.

I’m enjoying the beard growth. I’m curious where it goes and what it’s like. I’m enjoying the new experiences, even some of the difficult or disgusting ones. (The presence of my mustache means I have to re-learn the skill of using a napkin.) I like my hair as it is: I’m enjoying it growing out.

It’s less “not taking care of myself” and more “not playing others’ game”.

Grooming isn’t just maintenance; it’s signaling. And one of the signals I was sending – intentionally or not – was: I’m not optimizing for your approval.

Which is

perhaps

a fair point.

I’ve opted out of a bunch of life’s societal games. The 9-5 job (or employee status more generally). Living in a fixed location. Dating via specific social rituals. Following a prescribed gender behavior.

It limits who likes me. It limits who spends time with me. But the people who do like me really like me.

I’m thinking about this with clown school. My goals were 80% spiritual and 20% clown-y. That already separates me from the crowd. I’m not the only one in clown school for spiritual reasons: a classmate shared that her motivation was to re-learn how to play so she could enjoy playing with her children again. The majority of my classmates are professional actors.

My clown-y goals were 1) learn the practice of clowning; 2) learn the theory of clowning; and 3) make friends.

If my spiritual goals are not most clowns’ main focus, and most clowns aren’t interested in the theory, then I’m already pretty limited in topic interest overlap.

Add to that the fact that I don’t find fun many things that other clowns do – drinking alcohol; socializing in groups; group texting conversations – and my pool becomes even smaller.

Clowning is about finding games and playing them. It’s about being open and connective and sensitive with others. My first few weeks, when my facial hair looked good rather than just a lot, I was more in flow. Is that a coincidence with the fact that I also enjoyed the class subject matter (Le Jeu) more? Is it true that my focus turned more inward over time, and this didn’t jive with the peers? Complicité is a two way street, and maybe I was blocking the other lane. (As a friend put it: “maybe your flow comes partially from the interactions with others and maybe your appearance changes their interactions with you, which compounds”.)

The most generally-liked clown who I met at clown school was a person who’s constantly generous. Not especially generous with time, resources, or skills, but extraordinarily generous in emotional and social dynamics.

And I

just

don’t value that

as much

as the other

clowns do.

Emotional generosity is the local currency. I value it, just not always above curiosity, theory, or truth. That difference matters more here than I expected.

This isn’t a critique of emotional generosity. It’s a recognition that I underweighted how central it is to clown school, and that mismatch had consequences I’m still understanding.

So I write a daily blog about clowning.
And others
are better
clowns
🤡

Clown School Break Day 20: The Dealer Doesn’t Care

December 11, 2025 JulianLeave a comment

In which Our Hero recalls, yet again, that feelings are weather, not climate.

Poker.

I don’t like poker.
It fucking sucks.

The intensity, the swings, the way it presses you between two stones: your own decisions and the randomness of the universe. As one poker TV show once put it, “It’s a hard way to make an easy living.”

There was a time I stopped playing altogether because I believed poker was net-negative for the world. You take money from people who can’t afford it. Addicts. The lonely. The poor.

And what do you give in return?

Entertainment?
A distraction?
A slow-motion morality play about risk and consequence?

These were my thoughts after losing two big pots tonight.
One I played fine. Just ran into the top of someone’s range.
The other I played poorly preflop in a $50 splash pot and donated my stack like a confused philanthropist. (“Splash pot” = the casino added $50 to it for free.)

Woof.

So I asked myself, as one does after being spiritually hit by a train:

Why do I do this?
Why are we attracted to what we’re attracted to?
Is it genetics? Happenstance? Praise when we were eight and wanted to feel special?

Clown school has taught me one brutal, luminous thing:
You will be pummeled on your chosen path.
Mocked, rejected, flattened, ignored.
And that’s just by the teachers!

Your path should therefore be the thing you continue doing despite the punishment.
What’s the thing you’ll walk through hell for?

I’m deeply dissatisfied with poker tonight. But here’s the truth:
Poker is a game of millions of hands.
Variance is a dragon that only bows after thousands upon thousands of repetitions.
This hand doesn’t matter.
This session doesn’t matter.

Clowning, on the other hand, is both slower and faster.
Yes, the craft takes years, maybe a lifetime – but the feedback is instantaneous.
You step out, you try something, and either the audience lights up now, or it doesn’t.

Steve Martin once asked himself:
“What happens if I never release the tension?”
Instead of setup → punchline → laugh from tension relief, he just stacked more and more absurdity.
If someone left the show emotionless and burst out laughing in the car ride home, he considered that a victory.
(His memoir is worth a read.)

Here’s the thing about Cards.
And the thing about Clowning.

The C’s don’t care about your feelings.
The dealer doesn’t pause because you’re tilted.
The audience doesn’t laugh because you’re sad.

The next hand came.
My body was buzzing with frustration.
But I played fine.
And that was what mattered.

Ugh.

—

It’s now an hour later.
The frustration is gone.

How astonishing, how liberating, how funny it is to remember how fleeting feelings are.

And how little they matter to the game.
Any game.
When the next hand is already being dealt.

Unless you let them play instead of you.
And they are both bad cardplayers and bad clowns.

—

We’re now an hour after that.
I quit the live game because it wasn’t profitable enough.
I wasn’t having fun.
I asked myself the question “If I lost my stack in the next hand, would I rebuy and keep plying?”
The answer was no.

So now I’m at the deli, eating dinner with my father…
While we play online poker with a different group.

🤡

Clown School Break Day 18: More than Flavor

December 9, 2025 JulianLeave a comment

In Which Our Hero Eats Theater for Dinner

“What do you plan to do after clown school?”

Gonzo theater in NYC
Play with children
Live a damn good life

That’s about it.