The Pleasant Walkthrough

October 21, 2026 JulianLeave a comment

Wednesday at 4pm is my favorite part of the week. My contractor, designer, and carpenter meet me at the apartment. We walk through the building, pointing out errors and making new decisions. We confirm what’s happened over the last week, and I agree to pay them. This structure is fun. A few key points:

I enjoy paying them. I pay for work immediately after it’s performed. They invoice me with clear line items. This structure means I enjoy paying them. I look at a new wall on the invoice, verify it against the real, in-vivo new wall, and pleasingly transfer them their money. I don’t hound them for work; I confirm that the work has been performed.
I create clear sources of truth. I’ve only signed a few documents. Those documents control. I like this structure. It avoids the standard sort of mistake: someone operating from the wrong set of plans.
I indicate mistakes, quickly. With a subcontractor structure, minor mistakes will inevitably happen. They clearly have these mistakes built into their timeline.
I don’t sweat the small stuff. One time, I walked into the apartment to find my designer working with the A/C on and the window open. Yes, someone should correct him. But the cost to me in goodwill for flagging it would be way too much.
Bring food. When Partner is around, she bakes cookies or brownies. When she’s away, I bring dried mango. Today, my contractor brought some mango too. Sharing food creates friendship.

Today, I gushed about the apartment. I often do this, saying things like “What a beautiful space! This is stunning”. I mean it. I love the work that they’re doing and the team I’ve hired. After I mentioned this, my carpenter said, “Your friend said the same thing.”

“My friend?” I replied.

“Yes, the one you sent by with his girlfriend. The one with no hair. He said you used to work together. He came here, then he went to 1F. He also loved the exposed beams.”

I thought for a moment, then I said, “I don’t know that person. I bet he just wanted to see the apartment!”

We laughed, and my lead contractor said, “That’s New York for ya”.

Who says you can’t go back

October 20, 2026 JulianLeave a comment

In which a ghost flits through l’école… [Written Mar 20 2026]

My father and I explored Étampes today, including a lunchtime visit to the school where I spent 4 months over the last year.
We chatted briefly with the administrators; I said hi to a few students.
The school felt oddly empty. Perhaps students spend their lunchbreak during these warmer months acquiring baguettes or eating outside.

Two students said hi along with my name, and I returned the greeting, then recalled their name a few minutes later.

Another student startled at seeing me. They looked like they’d seen a ghost.

Then, after school, around 4:30 or 5pm, I ran the 3.5mi loop I’ve done so many times.
I ran it slower than I did before I broke my foot.
I’ve become over the last few months: much fatter and happier.

I arrived home and wanted an orange.
I’ve enjoyed sumo citrus oranges these last weeks in New York.
I donned a shirt and walked to the local market.

On my way back, oranges in hand, I spotted two students sitting together.
One, a person who had wanted to fuck me.
The other, the person who wrote me hate mail.

What an odd experience.

I walked past, noticing how odd it is to be of any interest to others.
To gossip about a person gives them power.
Celebrity is formed by being an interesting subject for gossip.

Then later, I received a text from the at-school startler, asking if I’m returning to school.
I told them how “JuJu plans and JuJu laughs…”
They prodded again.
I repeated my lack of planning.
They said, “alright man, you do you. just know you’re a bit of a controversial figure so it would put people a bit at ease if they knew what to expect”.

What a weird thing to say.
Are you trying to protect others from feeling uncomfortable?
How do you think that makes me feel?

Does it make me feel good? Loved? Enjoyed? Respected? Seen? Invited? Welcome?
Or does it make me feel alone? Ostracized? Rejected?
Is it fun for me to feel those feelings?

Should I tell you that their discomfort makes me feel uncomfortable?
Is that enough to be conclusive?
If I feel uncomfortable, is that the end of the conversation?
Who are “they” exactly, and what exactly do they have to say?
Do they have some gripe with an underlying reason?
If so, I don’t know exactly what it is.

Only one even had the balls to message me about my being a pariah.
And that message was unhinged.
Unhinged, for example, in that they wrote three long, unanswered blocks of text and then finished with “Merry christmas” (they had sent it two days before christmas), and then deleted only the merry christmas message.
Why would you delete the only kind part?
That’s frightening. Objectively frightening.

Is this what celebrity is?
Being interesting enough to be spoken of?

I first wanted to attend this school because of the Bouffon class.
Some clowns are desirable, friendly, and fun.
Others are grotesque, disgusting, horrid (bouffon).
I have always found myself outcast by groups.
This group is not the first, nor will it be the last.
My elementary school administration, middle school classmates, college secret society, after-I-graduated improv group as well. Now this: a clown school.

If running away to join the circus is what people do when they’re rejected by society,
what do we do when we’re kicked out of the circus?

I have a great relationship with the admin. They’re kind, thoughtful, good-teaching bunch.
I also have a few friends I’ve made from school.
But man, there are a lot of crazies and stupids at clown school.
I don’t really care about being most of their friends.
What would be the point? What do they have to offer? What would be the mutually beneficial part of our spending time together?
But it sure does hurt to be yet again ostracized for bullshit reasons.

Returning now to the text and the question:
Why is their discomfort more valuable than mine?
Have you ever asked that question?
Their discomfort is conceptual – fear at some concept?
You’re making me hurt in the here and now.

I would pose that very question to this texting clown…
but he’s an absolute dolt and owes me money.

So I smile and I wave and I play the politician
and his life continues on
and theirs does too.

And I leave this year of clown school,
going instead to New York City.

And maybe in a year or two I will run into one of them
and they will shriek and run away
and by the time that happens
I will have learned
how to turn their fear

into gold.

P.s. No, it did not make me feel loved, seen, appreciated, and accepted.
It made me feel alone, rejected, hurt, and sad.
It conjured up the image of a bunny cowering in a corner
while some dark shadowy figure looms above it…

But that’s the key about dark shadowy figures:
what can a shadow do?
No arms. No legs.

They’re dispelled by the light.

The Dog Show: Play’s Dead

October 19, 2026 JulianLeave a comment

I watched a play tonight by the former head writer of The Daily Show with John Stewart. This man has 13 Emmys, a Grammy, and a Peabody. I expected the play tonight – which was in previews – to be clunky but well-written. I was disappointed.

The show is called “The Dog Show”. It features four actors and a projector. The screen shows a dog; one of the actors reads a monologue from that dog. Cute and simple.

Some of the monologues are relatable (the dog beside the dining table begging for chicken). Some were clever (the existential questioning of a chihuahua who was purchased for $1200 yet lives in a purse purchased for $4800). Some are heart-wrenching (the dog whose owner abandoned her beside the road). Most were overly long, empty, surface-level bleh.

I’ll give you two examples:

A dog who finally experiences his life purpose when his owner throws a frisbee. Beautiful concept. But the execution needed dramatic cuts. This dog starts by talking about playing fetch, then his relationship with his owner, then slowly transitions over to the frisbee. It’s just too much exposition. Cut it. Start straight with “The disc. I saw it, and every one of my ancestors, all the way back to the wolves, pointed our noses directly at it.” I’m surprised that the head writer of The Daily Show – a medium that provides little time – would contain so many unnecessary beats.
The ending is a border collie saying he’s smart and then discussing the moral of the play. The border collie does not actually act like a border collie, however. Border collies are not the sort of smart where they intellectualize. They are the sort of smart where they require a task to accomplish at all times. What is it actually like to be a creature whose existence requires constant engagement lest he be destructive? I don’t know: all this show gave me was a person saying “I’m a border collie, so I’m smart.”

As I was leaving, I heard one of the actors say, “I just hope we get reviews.”

After seeing this show, I can understand that desire. The show is insufficiently content-filled to actually warrant much writing.

If they want someone to 1) chop all the fat off of the script, and 2) point out all the spots where the show lacks actual dog perspective and/or heart, I’m available.

Complicated and Boring: Baldur’s Gate 3

October 18, 2026 JulianLeave a comment

I like accessible games. “A minute to learn” isn’t necessary, but it helps. A well-written rulebook is sufficient. During COVID, I read the whole of the Gloomhaven rulebook — all ~95 pages. Beautifully written, well-structured, clear and clean. Loved it. I liked the rulebook more than the game.

I like elegant mechanics. Does the game test my skills, causing me to grow? Does the challenge progressively meet my level?

I spent four hours trying the alleged best RPG of all time. Released in 2023, Baldur’s Gate 3 is a computer-based license of Dungeons & Dragons, 5th Edition.

I’ve played Dungeons & Dragons around five times. Loved it every time. This game had everything I dislike about D&D, and nothing I like.

I like D&D’s innovation. Inventiveness. Possibility. What do you want to do? Do it! See what happens! Every action you take can be turned into a set of probabilities based on your skills and the outcome of those probabilities determine your success. When I say every action, I mean *every* action. This dame walks into your office searching for her disappeared husband, and you want to punch her in the nose? Be my guest! You smash her nose. She calls the police. Now that’s your story.

A good dungeon master (game leader) will accept everything thrown at them. They will guide you to where they need you without you feeling overly led. (They didn’t build this miniature map of the crime scene for nothing!) They will take you on a journey of mutual exploration and creation, giving you a mental experience that is at once novel and personal, but also timeless and compelling.

Baldur’s Gate 3 has dice. It has quests. It has storylines. It offers a mirage of the freedom that I enjoy. But when I get bored of the relatively-linear optionality and tried to steal from the merchant, it showed me a cutscene with a line of dialogue that I shouldn’t — and worse, can’t! — do that. When I pushed one of the townsfolk off of a high ledge, only half of that area rally around to attack me, and when I killed them I couldn’t even loot their bodies! How are the other half just watching, waiting to have the exact same normal-scripted dialogue conversations with me after I’ve massacred their village? I’m willing to accept the consequences — could I please have a little realism? If not, just cop out the way other games do, and don’t let me kill the people. But you can’t have it both ways: you can’t offer freedom without providing reasonable responses.

Creativity comes from constraints. The constraints of Baldur’s Gate 3 are at once too vast (the list of spells on your early-game characters number like 20, each with its own hyper-specific details), and too narrow (I can kill this townsfolk but I can loot their body).

I’ve never understood why people like D&D combat. It’s always been my least-favorite part of the game. Puzzle-solving and situation-navigating prompts creativity. It requires thinking and strategizing. Compared to that open set of possibilities, the combat feels like a funnel. Quite possibly I’ve never played with a dungeon master of sufficient skill to craft a fight that pushes at the edge of my ability, but I think it’s even more likely I just don’t get any joy from imagining chopping off a goblin’s head with a sword. I’m as much a fan of violence as anyone (if you’ve never shot a gun, you should really visit a shooting rage!), but imagined conceptual violence doesn’t do it for me. I don’t feel grand from the mental image of a theoretical-me stabbing someone. It doesn’t require enough skill to be satisfying.

Baldur’s Gate 3 is neither accessible nor elegant. I wonder if the people who love it are those who have already steeped themselves in D&D, and therefore this language is familiar to them. After four hours, I’m just not impressed. The storytelling, combat, and strategy: none excite me. None feels like it’s at the edge of my knowledge, expanding my understanding. It’s closer to a series of empty hours.

I felt this way after 45 minutes playing, when I completed the intro tutorial. I pushed through, since the game is so allegedly excellent. I am now giving up. I don’t think I’m missing anything.

I do have a number of long plane rides ahead of me. I might open it back up to see if it clicks. I wonder what stops me from enjoying this game that has a 96/100 on metacritic, designating it a “must-play” with “universal acclaim”. If you have any guesses, let me know.

On Creeping

October 15, 2026 JulianLeave a comment

Walking along the beach in Palermo, Italy, I spotted a couple sucking face. Not merely kissing nor making out: they were devouring each other. I had never seen two people so intensely impassioned, let alone in public for all to see. Dumbfounded, I paused my walk, fascinated. How had I been living my life so passionless? What is it about Italians that this is an acceptable cultural behavior? Where do I get some?

After around thirty seconds, I grew self-conscious. What if they look over and see me staring? I don’t want to disturb them or prompt them to stop something they’re so clearly enjoying, but they have selected a very public place…

A set of hip-height bushes lay between me and the couple. I thought, “I could crouch behind these bushes and keep watching”. Then I laughed because I had just derived how someone becomes a peeping tom.

I didn’t hide behind the bushes. I continued my walk, filing this experience away in my memory as an archetype of passion and an understanding of how slight escalations can rapidly grow out of hand.

—

Tonight, my ex is hosting a comedy show. I have always liked their art. I want to attend their show.

I have no ill feelings toward them. Our relationship ended amicably. Since then, they have increased the amount of animosity expressed toward me. Still, I want to attend their show.

Tonight, at the show, I don’t want to disturb them. If I could attend invisibly, I would. But the venue is probably small – 20 seats or so. What if I attend in a hat and an N95 mask? I’ll sit in the back. Maybe they won’t see me.

I discovered this show’s existence because a friend was watching TikTok. A voice came on that I recognized. “That’s my ex!” I said. I watched a few of their YouTube videos, found their newsletter, and signed up. I didn’t want to make it awkward, however, so I signed up using a pen name. Then today, when buying the ticket, I used the same pen name.

I’m now walking to my ex’s comedy show, where I’ll sit in the back, alone, wearing a false name and a mask.

Somehow, every step seemed reasonable.

—

At the show:

They’re literally arms-length away from me. Talking over me to the person beside me. This is exhilarating.

They pass out pens and paper before the show. The paper has a prompt. It’s about social anxiety. What’s a social interaction that you would handle differently?

How apt.

—

Games played:

While taking a shower this evening, my two-year-old nephew summoned me.

Our games began with the red alligator. I used it to bite different items in the bath. He laughed.

The game escalated, somehow, to him holding a plastic shovel in his mouth while I held a plastic rake in my mouth. He dropped his, prompting me to drop mine. He laughs. We repeat.

He then handed me the alligator, wanting me to drop it from my mouth instead. We execute. He laughs.

One time, after I dropped it, the alligator landed just in front of his body. He laughed hard enough that he peed a little.

This led to our final game of bath time: him trying to put the alligator in my mouth while I refused.

Next time, I’ll tell him why the game has changed. That way he can learn!

—

Meta:

I feel disheartened. Speaking into the void with minimal feedback that my near-daily Substack is appreciated or enjoyed makes me sad. Do you enjoy this? Read it daily? Once in a while? What do you like about it? What do you want more? Comment on it or reply to this email. I’m not trawling for engagement; I’m seeking connection.

Sometimes, magic happens

October 14, 2026 JulianLeave a comment

Today’s game was “promptly check your emails and respond to the journalist quickly”.

Partner does not usually check her email quickly… or at all.

She once set her email to only notify her about new emails twice per day, and “do[esn’t] know how that got turned off”.

Today, a journalist from the BBC emailed her. They wanted an interview, fast. The email arrived at ~11am, the segment planned to broadcast at 3pm.

Partner lucked into an opportunity to be an internationally-recognized BBC-level expert.

She already was, just now your average Joe knows. Or at least your average man on the Clapham omnibus.

Induced Demand

October 11, 2026 JulianLeave a comment

Partner and I went on a crawl of some of the best food in The City that would have been prohibitive two years ago.

I wrote a prompt:

“Find me all the 4.9* or higher rated restaurants on Google Maps in New York City with at least 500 reviews.”

With a little coaxing, Claude did it.

When a new technology arrives, we — that is to say the average people and the general public — exalt how it will change work forever. Give us all so much free time.

To some degree that’s true.

It unlocks possibility.

But that possibility also unlocks possibility that destroys the original possibilty.

Induced Demand, they call it. It’s the story of why 6-line highways have no less traffic than 4-lane highways. It’s why friction really truly does prevent people from doing things but frictionlessness doesn’t lead to empty space.

The time fills. The space newly open is immediately claimed.

I now have a google maps list of every top-rated restaurant in New York City. Tomorrow, I’ll sort it by price. When hungry, I’ll be able to open up my phone and spy exactly what I want in the blink fo an eye.

I’ll find it glorious. My children will roll their eyes. Their children will laugh. And their children will wonder what the hell was food.

The Community of my Community is my Community

October 9, 2026 JulianLeave a comment

Tonight I helped a friend of a friend think through his work plans. He lent me a book from his shelf that I enjoyed leafing through.

I like this group of friends that this this friend has. I’m three for three on liking them (I’ve liked him and two of his friends). My normal hit rate on befriending people is probably in the single digit percentages.

They’re 25 years old. I’ve got 8 years on them. Not necessarily 8 years wiser; just 8 years.

The conversation started when he complained that the company he wants to work for re-posted the job he applied for. They didn’t reply to his resume and cover letter two weeks ago: just re-posted the job opening online. I suggested he walk into their office tomorrow. Dress nicely, bring a copy of your resume and cover letter, find a way to talk to the would-be-boss. Tell them “I like what you’re doing and would love to help.” Know some info about the guy. It’s an assistant role: be ready for that particular guy. It’s a big city: you gotta stand out.

He liked my advice. He plans to execute it. Even if it fails, he’ll have Done The Thing. Doing The Thing increases your ability to do. If you walk into 400 theater companies in nyc, one of them will hire you. Or at least you’ll get some exercise.

I wonder whether I like helping this group of guys because it’s the same generation as the youth group I used to advise. Similar friendly banter. Same camaraderie. Same desire for impact and intellect. Same idealism.

I like being helpful. I like where life is.

He lent me a book. How to Survive the Modern World. I would like to do that. I would like to Survive.

I like exchanging gifts. That’s how you make friends.

Games Played

“You’re forgiven for making me leave the house.” -Partner, after I brought her delicious fried chicken (delicious fried chicken in Harlem? What a surprise!)

Me: “When is the delivery driver expected to arrive?”

Delivery company dispatcher: “He’s on Broadway.”

Me: “Broadway is a reasonably large street. Do you have a cross street?”

(This is an instance of “Tell me you don’t live in New York without telling me you don’t live in New York.”)

How did the Chelsea Hotel become the Chelsea Hotel?

October 7, 2026 JulianLeave a comment

I saw a one-man show today. The star, Ned Van Zandt, did heroin with Sid Vicious in the Chelsea Hotel shortly before Sid’s overdose. He drank and drugged with the creative types of the time. They all stayed at the Chelsea Hotel.

Part strikes me as a coordination game. A Schelling point. Artists want to be with artists. Chelsea and Greenwich Village had been artistic hubs. Artists need a place to stay. This particular hotel might have some happenstance trait that makes it The Place. Once it’s The Place, it shall remain so.

In these scenes, there is always A Place. The Algonquin Round Table was a similar structure: influential, passionate artists who enjoyed associating with each other. They started at the Algonquin Hotel, but then evolved into a more portable group. A Movable Feast is this same structure, I’ve heard, but haven’t read.

When you create a context that attracts great people, they want to bring their friends. These places can be created. They’re worth creating.

Firing the wrong person

October 6, 2026 JulianLeave a comment

Someone conscripted me for a project.

I wasn’t super interested.

I didn’t know the team, didn’t care about the topic, and the scope was out-of-wheelhouse.

Still, they wanted to take on the topic, and the money was fine.

The structure: a two-week work trial. We produce one article, after which the company may extend our contract.

Someone & I worked on it for a week. Someone put in ~80% of the hours; I structured the content. We sent The Boss an outline.

The Boss was livid. “Unacceptable”, he said, along with other epithets. He didn’t like the appearance, completely ignoring key traits and lacking in curiosity. I said to Someone, “If he replies like this, the price of the actual work just went up.”

We hopped on a call. I spoke most on my team’s behalf: Someone prefers I do the talking because Someone wants me to own the relationship going forward.

Afterwards, The Boss called Someone for a one-on-one. The Boss wants to drop me from the team. The irony? It wasn’t my work! I was just the point of contact!

Someone told him they don’t have bandwidth to shoulder this whole load themselves. I’ll still send him a finished draft, because that’s what we agreed. Then maybe he’ll seek to only hire Someone for the bigger project, despite a misread of the situation.

There’s irony for ya.

If I cared, I’d care. But I don’t; I just find it funny.

In the “Do good work, turn it in on time, and have people like you” world of freelancing, with this particular gig, I’ve nailed the first two. The third one? Fortunately, it’s a “choose any two”.

Games Played

“I was going to ask you what the Jewish creation myth is. I then laughed at myself when I thought of the question.” — Partner, who was raised catholic.