Category: General Gabbing

A variety of delighting sights; a smattering of happenings; a compendium of concepts…

Clown School Day 1: The Honking Commences

Julian2 Comments

Squeak. Squeak. Squeak.

A pair of large red shoes emerges from behind the curtain. Above, a painted face under a red wig.

“Am I in the right place?”

—

I considered entering clown school in full Ronald McDonald regalia. Starting with a joke. Establish a clear reputation from day 1.

But that’s not clowning. At least not here. Here, clowning is an Earnest Art. It’s Authenticity. Connection. Sharing. Giving. Kindness. Lightness. Joy. It’s a Raw and Unadulterated Openness. The successful threading of a needle where one side is the Error of Honesty, the other Pretense. We do neither.

Instead, we Play.

Light,

Open,

Gentle,

Subtle,

Friendly,

Kind,

Grounded.

And the best part:

it’s all a lie.

—

We began the day by walking around the space. “Think of a naughty thought,” our teacher prompted. Immediately, eyes magnetized. Twinkled. Lightened. Brightened. Illuminated.

I know my Naughty Thought. My cadre of considerations. My illustrious internal illustrations.

Heeheehee.

The strangest feeling:

some of the students remained flat. Some stayed boring.

But others.

Oh lawd.

Drawn to them: intellectually, physically, psychically, carnally. With appetite, curiosity, interest, want and need.

Whoa.

How beautiful is it to watch someone play.

How beautiful indeed.

After class, I approached one of the clowns. “I don’t want you to take this the wrong way,” I said. “But I loved watching you with a naughty thought”.

She promised me she’ll tell me her thought

as soon as this course ends.

—

Have you ever felt you’re in precisely the right place?

I have.

Twice.

Once, in a Chicago airport. I had flown in for an interview at an arts program for a master’s degree. My bag became weightless. I was Following My Purpose.

The other, today, upon entering Ecole Philippe Gaulier.

Glee. Humor. Airyness. Mixed with hard work and trials. Difficulties and action. Giving it your All and then some.

Crying. Caring. Trying. Opening.

And then

ideally

success.

—

I am currently a student at Ecole Philippe Gaulier, the world’s premier clown school. I write and publish daily.

Mugged in a Crowd

Julian2 Comments

On a muggy New York summer afternoon, only One Man is fool enough to wear a sweater. He’s attractive in a grungy, Brooklyn sort of way as He leans against a lamppost, cool and calm despite the summer heat. I’m walking south only a few blocks from Times Square when He locks eyes with me. He springs to attention. His opening line: “Give me money, Gypsy.”

There are twenty people within arm’s reach, yet I’m suddenly alone. I’ve never before been called a gypsy, and while I don’t know its associations I suspect it’s intended aggressively. I mutter something noncommittal. His face looms closer to mine: “Give me money for the holocaust, Gypsy.” His sentence betrays a lack of historical understanding, yet I suspect this fact irrelevant to our circumstance.

When I had first spotted Him leaning against the lamppost, I had clocked the precisely-styled single braid dangling beside His head as attractive. Now, I see it more like a distraction on the end of a spear.

I say something that equates to “leave me alone”. The words I choose are imprecise and confused. I only slept 30 minutes last night. But my words, like His, communicate mainly in tone and posture.

“Give me five dollars,” He elaborates. “Give me five dollars for the holocaust!”

I tell him I don’t carry cash.

He’s angry I wasted His time. His right arm pulls back, then shoots forward: a punch. I instinctively pull back my right side, meeting His force with less resistance.

A few New Yorkers turn and comment. It’s not every day you see violence in vivo. Yet no one does anything. Why? Maybe because there’s nothing to do. We could call the police and wait for them to arrest This Fellow, but what would that accomplish? The best argument I can imagine is akin to “it’s your civic duty to get someone like this off the street”. But if that’s true, then why am I the only person I ever see picking up litter as they pass it in Central Park?

Growing up, angry kids told me on at least three separate occasions that one day someone was gonna punch me in the face. I’m now 30 years old and this prediction has not come true. Somehow I think this altercation doesn’t count.

Five minutes later, I arrive to my afternoon date. I tell her this story. She says I was mugged. I agree: it was at least an attempted mugging.

His punch left a bruise, but I’m more struck by my nonchalance. Still now, a day later, I don’t feel afraid. At no point – not even now – was I concerned for my safety. Maybe I deeply understood This Guy. Maybe I knew I’d be fine. Maybe I knew this to be the cost of engaging. Most New Yorkers avoid eye contact with strangers; I’ll meet the eyes of anyone equally bold.

A South Korean Status Symbol

JulianLeave a comment

My first day in south Korea I spotted a man in full Yale regalia. I asked if he had gone to Yale. He said no. (Pic below; he asked that I not include his face. Rest assured: his hat also matched.)

My first week in south Korea I commenced a quest: to find and buy that man’s outfit. The quest took 12 hours and was very fun but did not arrive me at the desired outfit. (The store was sold out!) At least en route I purchased 4 mangoes.

My first month in South Korea I spotted more people wearing Yale regalia than wearing any other college. I counted. Here was the final score:

  • Yale: 16
  • All other colleges, summed: 23

I later learned that someone licensed the Yale brand and earned more than $7.6M in revenue from it in 2021. Fascinating. I’d love to do the same with other Ivies.

The data:

  • Yale: 16
  • Michigan (the state, not a university): 2
  • Millbury Basketball (a highschool): 1
  • Bailor: 1
  • Yonsei: 6.5
  • Cal: 1
  • Hongik: 4.5
  • Hong Kong University: 1
  • Unknown Local College: 1
  • Princeton: 1
  • Ewha Women’s University: 1
  • Cal State College: 1
  • Iowa (the state, not a university): 1
  • Polham Massachusetts (a city? Pelham?): 1
  • Korea University: 1
  • Stanford: 1
  • UCLA: 1
  • RSU (maybe Rogers State University? Unclear): 1

(I then performed the same count in Japan. The data there was: Yale, Michigan, Harvard, Harvard.)

Love Island: a Comedy Sketch

JulianLeave a comment

Love Island: Australia is one of my favorite TV shows. I wrote a comedy sketch parodying it. If you’d enjoy filming it with me, comment on this doc or shoot me an email.

Love Island Sketch

[Shots of a beautiful island paradise, then a mansion. An attractive man’s face in sunglasses. Then a woman’s foot in a high heel, panning up]

Voiceover:

  • You couldn’t get enough of Love Island Australia, US, and UK. Now, time for the hit new show pairing stunning women with dashing dudes… Love Island: Sharia.

[Zooming out from the high heel: A woman in a burqa]

  • It’s the romantic intrigue of Romeo and Juliet. And the family intrigue of… Romeo and Juliet.

[The woman stands flanked by her parents – a mustachioed man and an older woman in a burqa]

HOST (a man):

  • It’s time for the coupling.

[Zoom out to see there are 3 eligible women, each flanked by a mustachioed man and an older woman in a burqa]

  • Our first contestant, come on out.

[A muscular, mustachioed man emerges. He saunters to center-stage.]

  • Muhammad is from Saudi Arabia. His hobbies include praising god and worshiping the prophet Mohammed.
  • Muhammad, tell us about yourself.

Muhammad:

  • I pray 5 times a day.

HOST:

  • What are you looking for in a wife?

Muhammad:

  • At least 3 goats.

HOST:

  • Contestants, step forward if you’re interested in Muhammad.

[All 3 of the fathers (not the daughters) step forward.]

HOST:

  • Muhammad, all three of these lovely ladies are interested in you. Who will you choose?

Muhammad:

  • (Pointing) Her.

HOST:

  • Why did you choose this man’s daughter? 

Muhammad:

  • She looks like her mother.

HOST:

  • Muhammad and this man’s daughter: you’re our first couple. 

[Glamor shots of the couple standing beside each other, her parents in the back.]

  • Our second contestant, come on out.

[A muscular, mustachioed man emerges. He saunters to center-stage.]

  • Mohammed is from Saudi Arabia. His hobbies include worshipping the prophet Mohammed and praising god.
  • Mohammed, tell us about yourself.

Mohammed:

  • I am named after the prophet to whom I pray 5 times per day.

HOST:

  • What are you looking for in a wife?

Muhammad:

  • A woman who is chaste and will serve me.

HOST:

  • Contestants, step forward if you’re interested in Muhammad.

[All 3 of the fathers (not the daughters) step forward.]

HOST:

  • Mohammed, all three of these lovely ladies are interested in you. Who will you choose?

Mohammed:

  • (Grunts, along with a gesture)

HOST:

  • Why did you choose this man’s daughter?

Mohammed:

  • Her father looks wealthy.

HOST:

  • Mohammed, congratulations: you’re our second couple.

[Glamor shots of the couple standing beside each other, her parents in the back.]

  • Our final contestant, come on out.

[A famous American actor emerges, dressed in a muscle tank and board shorts. One of the women contestants immediately steps forward. Her parents are appalled.]

  • Chad is from Santa Monica. His hobbies include surfing and weightlifting. Chad, tell us about yourself.

Chad:

  • I like surfing, partying, and having a good time.

[A second woman steps forward. Her parents are appalled.]

HOST:

  • What do you look for in a partner?

Chad:

  • I like someone strong and fun with a bodacious bod.

[The third woman steps forward.]

One of the contestants’ fathers (Aggressively):

  • How often do you pray?

Chad:

  • I pray all the time, man. For gnarly waves. [Shoots a shaka]

[All three contestants step forward again]

HOST:

  • All three of these lovely ladies are interested. Who will you choose?

Chad:

  • Are you single?

HOST (a man):

  • Me?

Chad:

  • Yeah, man!

[Shots of the angry fathers.]

Voiceover (shots of a beautiful island):

  • Next week on Love Island: Sharia.

[Chad is bound on his hands and knees while the three fathers host a trial for him.]

The Joys of Travel

JulianLeave a comment

or “How to Receive an Airbnb Refund after the Host Rejected Your Initial Request.” [Edited from the version sent to the Airbnb host.]

Hello [Name redacted] — 

I find your accommodations dissatisfying and inaccurate to their initial online description. Your description of the room states “We guarantee the best independent space at a very affordable price, optimized for solo travel and business travel.”

Specifically, here is a list of ways that the room is not accurately described: 

  1. The hallway immediately outside the room smells like smoke, as does the bathroom (I was literally coughing in the shower from it 10 minutes ago). Smoke gives me a headache and I never stay in smoking establishments. I was promised a non-smoking room, and you messaged me upon booking saying that smoking was prohibited here. This is an inaccurate representation of the space. 
  2. There are loud parties immediately outside the window til 2am on weekday nights. This room was described as “optimized for business travel”. That is clearly not true. 
  3. The temperature vacillates widely — from unbearably cold on night one to unbearably hot on night two. I would be reticent to find any business traveler who would find this fitting. 
  4. There are bugs, both in the shower and in the room. I snapped a picture of one in my room. I am happy to share it with you if you would like. This is just disgusting. 
  5. The pictures do not demonstrate that the toilet and shower are a single space. I am familiar with this setup from traveling through Asia, and would have been fine with it had I expected it but the pictures implied differently. (And at the last, similarly priced and structured space I stayed in, they were separate, which suggests it was reasonable for me to believe they would be separate.) Also, you should be aware that one of the showers seems to flood under the door to the hallway. This is not strictly related to my points here; I’m just letting you know because tenants’ normal use will likely damage the floor over time if you do not fix it. 
  6. While you claim this room is optimized for business travel, other tenants will bang on my door at 1pm if I am having a videocall at normal volume. I cannot imagine how someone could conduct business here if I’m not able to have a normal phonecall. 
  7. The room is a 4th floor walkup — entirely stairs with no elevator. That’s something you should disclose in the description before someone books. I do not believe it is true anywhere in the world that “optimized for business travel” means “you must carry your heavy bags up 3 flights of stairs”. 
  8. The mattress is painfully hard, making it difficult to sleep. (This one I could concede as potentially a matter of taste. But it really is like lying on plywood.) 

If one were to compare this space to another “independent space at a very affordable price” — i.e. the other sharehouse that I stayed in in Seoul immediately before arriving here, the prices are approximately the same and the rooms are similar in size but this one is unquestionably not better (see above points, including about bugs — ew.). As you guarantee this will be the best independent space, I would like to make use of that guarantee. 

Should you and I not be able to come to an agreement that refunds me 6 nights (from 5 May to 11 May), I will be requesting that Airbnb refund me the total amount of the room from 2 May to 11 May, as you specifically guarantee the room and it has not been as described. I’m happy to be reasonable here, but if you are unwilling to be reasonable I will escalate to their judgment and seek the full refund, which seems fair and fitting for the above reasons. 

As I have additional business I need to complete, I would appreciate your response within the hour — if I don’t hear from you, I will simply escalate to Airbnb to enable me to complete my work. 

Best,

Julian 

P.s. Your response to “What should I do in response to a loud party at 1:30am?” is that I should talk to the restaurant? Like literally get out of bed and walk the 3 flights downstairs to talk to the restaurant? That’s just ridiculous. 

Outcome: Yes, she did accept my alteration request and issue me a refund. And yes, I did have fun writing and fighting this.

Honesty in Comedy

Julian1 Comment

Yesterday I intentionally lied to you. I posted an AI-generated picture of a tattoo, claiming to have received this tattoo while drunk in Bali.

I have never received a tattoo, nor have I been drunk in Bali. I lied because it was April First, the only day out of the whole year when non-malicious lies are more than accepted: they’re celebrated.

I’m currently writing a personal-history one-man show that aims to be honest, to entertain, and to have impact. Honesty is tough when speaking to a diverse audience. New Yorkers will take your words at face value unless you indicate exaggeration via a clear tonal inflection. (Does this make New Yorker a tonal language? I say yes.) Brits and southerners prefer a deadpan that allows them to employ their own bullshit detector. One cannot satisfy everybody’s requirements for honesty while preserving the level of humor I desire. In my upcoming show, I will need to choose between being a comedian (entertainment) and being a journalist (honesty). I will need to have a defined stance, if only to maintain my ability to sleep well in the face of twitter criticism. John Oliver threads this needle by claiming comedy, which allows him to have the impact of a journalist without the industry’s behavioral constraints. Is this cheating? Absolutely. But it’s also an elegant way to win. So here’s how I define my stance:

These distinctions are absolute tosh. They’re like saying “a comedy ends with a marriage; a tragedy with death.” When was the last time a romcom ended with the marriage of all significant characters? Or a modern tragedy ended with a Hamlet-like bloodbath? We’ve been mixing genres over the last few years because they’ve always mixed. And April Fools is a holiday to remind us the ability to impact truth through lies. Is Amazon’s 2013 Cyber Monday claim that they’d have drone delivery in two years any more of an April Fools hoax than the 2019 April Fools joke of an Amazon delivery blimp? Many people even treated the April Fools one more seriously while ridiculing the the Cyber Monday one as a joke! Impact-wise, isn’t the main difference publication date, enabling Amazon to be the most-discussed retailer on one of the most profitable retail shopping days of 2013?

Approximately 50% of the people who received my tattoo message recognized it as an April Fools joke. The other 50% were hoodwinked. I debated over telling these hoodwinked people “April Fools!”. I’ve concluded I’m not going to. Because at some point most of them will realize that it was an April Fools joke. And doesn’t the fact that the joke lasted months or years make it even funnier?

And for those who never realize it, I’ll take solace in the fact that I’m not a journalist, nor a comedian: I’m an axolotl that regenerates its skin every few months, which is why the tattoo has already vanished. But I’m sure you already knew that.

An In-Depth Review

Julian2 Comments

Airbnb reviews only permit 1000 characters. So here’s my full review of a place I stayed in Cairns, Australia 🤪:

“I’ve been a poor university student for the last four years, but staying here is the first time I’ve felt like it.” —a fellow guest at Anita’s Airbnb

Internal tension is not, generally speaking, what one seeks in an Airbnb. Yet during my 6 days at Anita’s place in Cairns, I found myself not only experiencing a profound sense of dissatisfaction, but somehow enjoying that dissatisfaction and feeling grateful for its lessons.  

Anita’s place somehow provides slightly-above-spartan accommodations at slightly-above-discount prices, but in a hodgepodge of uncanny ways. I’ll give an example: The room boasts plenty of wall outlets — at my count 6 — which is very desirable in an Airbnb room. However, the majority of these outlets are placed above the head on one’s bed, and at no point has any person said “I’d like to plug in my devices right here, above my pillow, with no location to place the device while it’s charging.” The shower, too, isn’t quite wrong but seems like it was designed by someone who had heard what people like in a shower but never used one themselves, as it boasts beautiful tiling, ample hot water, and bountiful nozzle settings, but also dampens your towel because the only place to hang it is on the inside of the shower door. The outdoor dining table is a lovely place to chat with a fellow traveler on a warm summer evening, yet this delight is diminished by the requirement that you wave at the automatic light sensor every 30 seconds to turn it back on. 

If there’s a word to describe my stay at Anita’s in Cairns, that word would be it: “uncanny”. It’s uncanny that I would find the mattress perfectly comfortable, yet also awaken with a hip pain of a sort that I’ve never before experienced. It’s uncanny that I would have a long conversation with the host about making the internet work in my room, which it definitely didn’t beforehand and after which it somehow magically does. It’s uncanny that the Airbnb listing includes twenty-three (23) rules which one must follow during tenancy, and then posters and text messages upon arrival add an additional three (3), and yet existing in this space gives you the sense that breaking the majority of them would simply be ignored. As I was leaving, I snuck a glance inside Anita’s room, and was shocked to see it resembled a security office. If she has three screens of cameras, all presumably monitoring and recording, then why are the drying rack and kitchen trash can always overflowing? I suspect the only rule that Anita enforces strictly is the “absolutely no guests” policy, but somehow also get the niggling suspicion that her uncanniness would give me the thumbs-up on updating my Airbnb reservation from 1 guest to 2 as I’m walking home with a sweetheart in real time.

Anita’s Airbnb gives the impression of an earnest person really truly trying their best but tripping in random ways. Sure, she spams you with a bunch of tour and travel options immediately after you make your reservation, but after that initial volley it’s not like she’s pushy – or even brings them up again. Yes, she’ll make a bit of huff when you’re on your phone at 8:58pm and quiet hours start at 9pm, but it’s the sort of gentle and direct huff that makes you wonder whether you actually were being too loud for even pre-quiet hours. And then, when you’re quieter, it’s somehow totally fine that you talk until 10. The place is spartan yet functional, and isn’t functional what matters? If travel is about exploring a new place, and therefore yourself, isn’t it appropriate that you finally feel like a poor university student if that’s what you are? Still, it’s not particularly pleasant to feel like a poor university student, so I give Anita’s place three stars. 

Care / Try / Worry / Do: A Psychological Framework

JulianLeave a comment
  • Care = believing something to be important.
  • Try = psychological effort, eg imaginative rehearsal or planning.
  • Worry = physiological/emotional arousal.
  • Do = action on the world.

These four functions are separable: each can be on or off individually. There are 22 different combinations. Some of them have names. E.g. Try + Worry + Do (without Caring) is called ‘Being triggered’”, Care + Do (without Worry or Try) is called “Being in Flow”, and “Maturity” or “Expertise” is Care + Try (with decreased Worry and Do).

I have a hunch that we exist in many or all of the 22 mental states at different times, and that one could use these mappings to intentionally move between states. (E.g. When “Practicing”, aim to be in Worry, Care, Try, and Do, but when “Playing”, exclusively Care and Do.)

I’m considering making a flowchart of the 22 different possible states, with arrows + tactical blurbs indicating when one should be in them and how to move between them. Thanks for reading this blurb – I have three quick questions for you:

  1. Is this framework interesting?
  2. Would you find such a flowchart interesting?
  3. Do any of the terms (Worry/Try/Care/Do) seem misfitting? If so, what terms would be more appropriate? (Eg I’ve considered “Act” instead of “Do”.)

Covid Currents

JulianLeave a comment

This article is an anonymous guest post by a brilliant writer and dear friend. Its views and opinions may or may not represent my own. They certainly represent my friend.

Remember when you weren’t a total asshole for getting all of your friends sick? You’d show up to the party with a little sniffle and say “yeah I was throwing up yesterday, it sucked, but I’m a trooper so here I am at Feb Club.” A few days later a few of the people would get sick and think “ugh, I must have gotten it from them.” It sucked for maybe 24 hours but wasn’t that big of a deal.

I remember that time, when my willpower was the only thing standing between me and my friends. I worked the long hours to make the money. I’d take the craziest flights with the craziest layovers. I would stay up all hours of the night finishing homework I should’ve done yesterday. This community. This connection. This is what matters.

I’ve looked forward to my college reunion since the day that I graduated. I remember standing in a circle with my friends in the Trumbull courtyard, pieces of smashed tobaccoless pipes scattered across the stone, and thinking “at least I’ll get to relive this moment in five years. I know it won’t be the same. I know everyone in this circle won’t be here again. But I will be here.”

Until I couldn’t. At year five, the entire event was canceled. It wasn’t safe to invite a global population to gather. At year six, the invitation was open and I was forced to decline. At any other point in history, I would’ve shrugged off my cold symptoms and carried on. In 2022, one faint pink line trapped me behind the glass watching snapshots of my friends reunite without me. 

Over two years later the pandemic still is thrashing through our lives wreaking havoc in more ways than one. We all find ourselves forced to draw a line in the sand and wage an internal battle with ourselves of when we can cross it. Each wave of new information eradicates our former boundaries and forces us to draw a new line. Even if we plant our feet firmly in the ground and refuse to move, it’s inevitable that the current pulls us as we tumble through the wave.

When we come up for air, we find we’ve drifted further apart than we ever have before. And many of us will decide it’s not worth the risk to find our way back to center. 

Weeks ago, my friends said, “we will do anything to make it happen.” Outdoors. Masks. 6ft. Not ideal but doable. A thin line where we could meet without crossing boundaries. When the day came I found myself alone in Central Park, surrounded by strangers, because no one came. Despite all of the texts filled with brief apologies I couldn’t help scanning the crowds at each turn. I knew my friends were somewhere among them, just out of reach. 

I read their promises: “we will see each other again soon.” And for the first time, I don’t believe them. We’ve changed. We have new priorities. “When my semester ends.” “When work slows down.” “Once I move into my new apartment.” … And as much as I want to recall those feelings of connection and belonging over the smashed tobaccoless pipes, the rejection I feel now is overwhelming. 

As my friends took their last maskless selfies before heading into New York City, some took the virus with them. They had spent three days dancing, drinking, kissing peers who had flown in from all around the world in blissful ignorance. 

At the end of the day, the passengers on the train, the patrons in the restaurant, and the millions of strangers in New York were worth the risk. I wasn’t. 

Maybe this is the same path taken time and time again. Friends grow up, and move on. But something today feels different. This virus has accelerated the timeline. It stole two years of our youth. It stole the days when our priority was still finding each other. It dumped us on the other side, scarred and unprepared for the conversations that lie ahead in our relationships. 

It’s no one’s fault. I’m still angry. 

Maybe we should more clearly mark our boundaries. Maybe I need to stop forcing people to draw their line in the sand.

Maybe life is just that hard and all we can do is try to keep our own heads above the water.  

For now, I continue to sit in my disbelief. Staring at a puzzle that I have no interest in completing. And just wait for all this to be over.