Tag: Humor

Travel Log 191014 (Redacted Version)

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Start: Myschevia Festival, Armadillo Acres, Hughes Springs, TX. 

End: Outside the Town Square, Downtown Hughes Springs, TX

Notent Notables: 

  • Drove from Hughes Springs to Gilmer to retrieve Smidge. 
    • Smidge did well at the sitter. No accidents, no fights. Nothing to report. Great. 
  • Drove back to Hughes Springs so I can pick up my letter from [redacted] when the post office opens tomorrow. 
  • Met all sorts of great people during my last ranger shift at the burn, during teardown/exodus.
    • Helped the Fairy Tale camp remove their tent stakes. 
    • Hugged many people. 
    • Discussed fireworks with [redacted], the firework designer at Myschevia; he invited me to help design them next year. (He designed the greatest fireworks show I’ve ever seen, even better than the 6 years I’ve seen them at Burning Man). 
    • Received a new art to hang on my wall.
    • The North Texas Regional Burn’s walkie talkies are crap. They still run a very well-organized burn. 

Quotent Quotables: 

  • “In a culture so steeped in toxic masculinity, any emotional expression must come out through machismo.” -A Guy at the Burn, on why the North Texas Regional Burn is so Punk Rock.

Next stop: Austin. (Tomorrow?)

  • The poly pod I met last night wants me to visit them. 
    • They have “three dogs and a driveway.”  I want to [redacted]. 
  • [Redacted], the dude with the [redacted] tattoos invited me to [redacted]. 

My Dog Gets Catcalled

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“Little boy or little girl?” yelled the toothless man from his garage across the street.

“She’s a little girl,” I hollered back. It’s 9:30am on a Thursday as I walk Smidge, my 5lb chihuahua.

“Well, I got a little boy about the same size. Does she wanna be a momma?”

“I don’t think she can.”

“Well, thought I might give it a try.”

My thoughts, in retrospect: 

  • What?
  • What?!
  • WHAT?!?!

The day I decided to trust myself.

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On following others:

School is following others. Culture instills following others. Corporations, countries, and organizations require following others. Following others is not for the individual. It’s for the safety of the herd.

On freedom and the individual:

I need the freedom to express. I need the freedom to explore. I need the freedom to create. These are only taught by the world’s best teachers. Learn to learn from yourself or risk living someone else’s version of your life.

The Fiercest Chihuahua You’ve Ever Met

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In this corner, at five-pound-four and thirty inches long, she’s the fiercest chihuahua you’ve ever met. She defends her food with the courage of a Rottweiler. She’s a fierce mama bear with six gnawed nipples to prove it. She marks giants’ territory as her own and likes her scritches… ruff.

 

Ladies and Gentlemen…

 

 

 

 

The one and only…

 

 

 

 

 

Smidge

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Want more Smidge? Comment with a request. 

Burrata & Salami on Lap

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IMG_7053

Ingredients:

  • Burrata
  • Salami (sliced)
  • A second salami (unsliced)
  • Gluttonous attitude

Preparation Instructions:

  1. Stop at a grocery store en route to the gym.
  2. Find the burrata cheese.
  3. Consider buying two burratas.
  4. Notice there’s a sale.Buy three, and tack on a package of salami for good measure. IMG_7054

Consumption instructions:

  1. When opening the burrata, be careful not to spill any of the salt water. (This will be important later.)
  2. Open the package of salami.
  3. Slice off bits of the burrata using the plastic fork.
  4. Add burrata to salami and consume.
  5. Retrieve from your fridge the rosemary salami you recently purchased at a farmer’s market.
  6. Slice off bits of the salami with a knife.
  7. Add burrata to salami and consume.
  8. When the burrata is gone, drink the milky salt watery goodness. (I told you it would be important).
  9. Use a fork to remove the small delicious curds from the bottom of the bowl.
  10. Eat a second burrata, because you lifted weights today.
  11. Be glad you purchased three.

A morsel of delight.
Salty milky goodness.
Curds of joy.

Salty milky goodness.
Curds of joy.

Did you enjoy this post? Want me to consume a specific food? Comment on this article so I know what you want me to write.  

Fuchs Geh Voran!

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This song is hilarious.

Funny bits:

  1. It’s a German heavy metal cover of the U.S. Bubblegum Pop band that wrote “The Ballroom Blitz.”
  2. The original song, “Fox on the Run“, tells the story of a man chasing after an attractive woman. The German heavy metal cover, “Fuchs Geh Voran“, describes an actual fox-hunt, like those that happened in Jane Austin’s day.
  3. The original song is by Sweet, a shortened form of “The Sweetshop”, a place where children receive candy. The German Heavy Metal Band named themselves “Scorpions,” one of the world’s top 5 creepiest animals. And they didn’t choose “The Scorpions,” with a “The” to indicate they’re a band, not actual scorpions. Nor did they choose the singular form, “Scorpion”. No, they wanted fans to imagine multiple creepy crawlies each time their band name is mentioned.
  4. Heavy metal, fox hunting, and the German language are a great combo. An excerpt of the lyrics: (For full effect, imagine it sung in German, backed by heavy metal music. And if you don’t know German, simply imagine in a heavy German accent.) 

Hey, you beautiful animal,
I come and help you,
you are in danger.

Hey, you all just want your fur,
and whoever sells it fast,
yes that’s unfortunately true.

Wir müßen den Fuchs häuten!

The humor has concluded. You may now laugh.

If you enjoyed this piece, please like it or leave a comment. It helps me know what to write. 

 

Sham (Fro)gurt

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Soup / Ham / (Frozen) / Yogurt
Ingredients:
  • 2 Cans Campbell’s® Condensed Chicken Noodle Soup
  • 1 Cherry Chobani® Greek Yogurt
  • 1 Brown Cow® Blueberry Yogurt
  • 1 Oscar Meyer DeliFresh Honey Uncured Ham with Now Better Honey Flavor
Instructions:
  1. Freeze the Brown Cow® Blueberry Yogurt.
  2. Eat a tube of Oscar Meyer DeliFresh Honey Uncured Ham with Now Better Honey Flavor
  3. Eat a bunch of tubes of Oscar Meyer DeliFresh Honey Uncured Ham with Now Better Honey Flavor.
  4. Open one Campbell’s® Condensed Chicken Noodle Soup
  5. Tip it back, drinking the broth like a can of beer.
  6. Using a spoon, eat the noodles & chicken straight from the can, no cooking necessary.
  7. Eat a few more tubes of Oscar Meyer DeliFresh Honey Uncured Ham with Now Better Honey Flavor
  8. Open the second Campbell’s® Condensed Chicken Noodle Soup
  9. Consume the soup in the same manner you did previously.
  10. Open the Brown Cow® Blueberry yogurt.
  11. Let stand for fifteen minutes, then consume it using the same spoon. 0.0.0. Evernote Snapshot 20190402 035851

Yo BTB! (Bearded Tomato Bisque) 

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Ingredients:
  • 7 tins Yogurt, in any flavor (Note: individually-wrapped tins of cottage cheese are also acceptable, but only if they have fruit on the bottom. For this meal, I used 4 yogurt, 3 cottage cheese.)
  • 1 can Campbell’s® Tomato Bisque
Instructions:
  1. Grow a beard.
  2. Eat 6 Yogurts.
  3. Remove lid from the Campbell’s® Tomato Bisque.
  4. Sip half the Campbell’s® Tomato Bisque.
  5. Eat the final Yogurt.
  6. Sip the rest of the Bisque.
  7. Fall asleep in your van.
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Campbell’s® Homestyle Chicken Noodle Soup

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Ingredients:

  • Can of Campbell’s® Homestyle Chicken Noodle Soup
  • Water
  • Soup Pot (I didn’t clean mine after making Campbell’s® Cream of Bacon Soup the day before, but a clean pot will do just fine.)
  • Spoon

Instructions:

  1. Mix soup + 1 can water
  2. Read back of can, where it says, “Stove: Heat, stirring occasionally.” Evernote Snapshot 20190316 212851.jpg
  3. Follow those instructions.
  4. Pour soup into the largest mug you can find. The noodles will remain behind.
  5. Add two ice cubes. Sip until gone.
  6. Transfer the noodles to the mug.
  7. Slurp until gone.